Million Dollar Homepage

Welcome to another installment of "Ideas That Are So Awesome That You Probably Thought Of Them First But Just Got Behind For Whatever Reason And Now You're Really Mad At Whoever Actually Did It"; I'll be your host. The internet is great in that ideas can be freely exchanged, given away, elaborated on, stolen, and of course, bought and sold. What many people don't seem to remember is that this oh-so-valuable information on a computer screen is little more than a tightly packed series of colored dots. So the idea follows that you could sell these dots (of which there are an infinite number) to other people online; people who might just be foolish enough to believe that their product or service will somehow benefit. Of course, it's not foolish at all, it's called advertising. What one plucky young genius decided was to sell an entire 1000 x 1000 grid of pixels at the low, low price of $1 a pixel. Of course, that adds up to one million dollars. And lo, the Million Dollar Homepage was born. It was an amazing experiment in word-of-mouth advertising and the power of the internet, but now it can never be done again. Thanks, guy who did it.

Visiting the site is an exercise in futility, as the links all lead to the back-alleys of the internet, places you don't really want to be. I mean, just look at it. Gaudy.

Audio Atrocities

Hot off the presses, a website about terrible video games! Again! With dozens of those lying around, you need a hook to distinguish yourself from the crowd. How about a site dedicated entirely to terrible voice acting in video games? Jackpot.

Now, I'll be the first person to admit that perhaps my acting abilities are somewhat less than I profess them to be, as are my abilities to criticize actors. However, I can say without fear of overstepping myself that I, or indeed almost anyone, could do better jobs than these people.

As a public service, I'll scan the top five worst games and pick out the cream of the crap. In fifth place, we see the game Megaman 8 for the Playstation. Perhaps a good place to start would be this clip, where we can hear an actor stumble not once, but twice while reading his lines. A lesser producer would insist he do it again, but I suppose if you hire a voice actor that bad in the first place, you're not exactly going for the gold.

In fourth place, a crazy little game called Tenchu, also for the Playstation. One clip will not suffice in this case, so try on both of these for size. I suppose this is a step up from Megaman because it has both terrible acting and terrible writing.

In third, and proving that the Playstation was the hands-down champion of poorly thought out games, is Resident Evil. I know, it was a great game when you were ten, but listen to it now. While you can blame the first clip on poor acting, the second seems almost intentionally funny. It's not so much the "crow," it's the "or something."

At number two, Sega takes the torch from the Playstation to bring you Deep Fear. Quite frankly, I think that none of the lines were especially good. The only chuckle-worthy moments are the clips with DuBois, a (supposedly German) gay naval engineer. The obviously Australian (or New Zealish* or something) actor hams it up to the max, giving his character a high-pitched la-di-da voice that borders on offensive if it wasn't so damn funny.

And the coveted first place goes to Turbografx-CD's Last Alert. And it deserves it. I can't tell if the voice actor here is actually Japanese, or just a racist; I can't tell if this was supposed to be funny; I can't tell if they even bothered with a second take on this one; and I can't tell what the hell is going on here at all. "HEY GUY!" Oh yeah.

Oh, and I totally saw the new Indiana Jones flick. Movie-wise, it was all right. Indiana-wise, I think they would have been smarter to leave well enough alone.

*I looked this up. The adjective pertaining to a New Zealander is "New Zealand." That's right. If you're from New Zealand, you are New Zealand.

Black Browed Albatross

Today I bring nothing but news of the world's most evil bird, the black browed albatross.

Gaze into the eye of wickedness.

Here he is, looking characteristically smug.

Here we see two older birds, presumably selecting the most tender and juicy parts of their offspring.

And here he is... OH SHIT HE SAW ME.

Move Under Ground

I think this is the first book I've ever recommended here, probably because it's the first free book (worth reading) I've found online in a long time. Any-old-way, I'm only a few pages into Move Under Ground, but I can tell I'm gonna like it. It's got everything I like in a book; Jack Kerouac, existential brooding, obsessive detail, and of course a sliver of the never-ending eye of madness; brought to you by some good old-fashioned Lovecraftian horror.

The book follows Jack Kerouac, famous Beat writer, on a cross-country trip with William S. Burroughs and Neal Cassady (it's not important) seeking to stop the rise of Cthulhu. As trippy as the whole thing seems, read a couple pages. You won't regret it.

In Rainbows

Last year, Radiohead had released the last of its contractually obligated albums with EMI, so they were able to choose the method of release for their album In Rainbows. Noting that most of their previous albums had been leaked online months prior to the official release, they made the next logical leap: leak it themselves. For a period of three months starting from October 2007, anyone could download DRM-free (that's good) MP3s off the new album for a price they set themselves. So you could pay nothing or the standard recommended price. Needless to say, most people chose to pay nothing. However, since they released a physical CD of the album in December when the free option came off the Radiohead website, they actually made more money from the "leaked" online version. Way cool. Unfortunately, if you want the album now, you have to pay full price. Or do you?

Rejected: A Film By Don Hertzfeldt

If all I can do for the world is spread the glory of this video, I will die happy (if you grow tired of its surrealism, simply watch the rest of the video from about seven minutes in).

Wixi

As much as I love watching television online, I'll always be at a disadvantage when it comes to acquiring said TV. I live far out enough that many servers are extremely slow and torrents don't work at all. So Wixi is pretty good. Wixi is an online service (somehow free) that acts as a desktop away from your computer. The search function reveals tons of material I couldn't find anywhere else, from TV to music. When you find whatever it is you're looking for, you just add it to your virtual desktop. It's there instantly, and you can watch it as it loads. While that doesn't sound too different from using your average browser, keep in mind that all the music and videos are running on one tab (or window), so nothing slows down. It also works like a subscription upload site, in that you can share what you've found with your friends on the site from any computer instead of just your own. It's actually pretty great.

One Hit Wonders And Apologies

I love one hit wonders. It offers a glimpse into an artist's general feel, but it only displays the best of whatever they have to offer. If I were to get the "feel" of The Beatles, I'd have to listen to about ten albums. The albums are all great, but I think I'd prefer to listen to one song and get the same effect. That said, here are some fabulous one hit wonders. A few posts ago, I recommended Mungo Jerry's In The Summertime. That recommendation stands (just thought I'd mention it again for some reason). I'd also like to throw in some Afternoon Delight, By the Starland Vocal Band; Chumbawumba's Tubthumping ("I get knocked down, but I get up again"); Mary Hopkin's Those Were The Days; Coven's One Tin Soldier; Blue, by Eiffel 65; Thin Lizzy's The Boys Are Back In Town; Looking Glass's Brandy (You're A Fine Girl); Buffalo Springfield's Stop, Hey, What's That Sound; Bananarama's Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye (I love this song SO MUCH); One Night In Bangkok, from the musical Chess; and the hippie anthem, Scott McKenzie's San Fransisco (Be Sure To Wear Flowers In Your Hair).

To move on to a more sober topic, I'd like to extend my sincere apologies to The Beastie Boys. I was uncharacteristically harsh on them, and I'd like Ad-Rock, Mike D, MCA and the inimitable Mix Master Mike to all accept my deepest regret. I mean, the last thing I'd want is for them to come by my place waving a piece all up in my grill. Nah, I'm just playin'. The Boys and me go way back. Seriously.

Beastie Boys

As far as rappers go, there are few less threatening than the Beastie Boys. While listening for a particularly pathetic rhyme, I only had to listen to one song, Rhymin' & Stealin', before I hit gold. The song is the three white guys in question comparing themselves to pirates, and with lines like "Because Mutiny on the Bounty's what we're all about/I'm gonna board your ship and turn it on out/No soft sucker with a parrot on his shoulder/'Cause I'm bad gettin' bolder; cold getting colder/Terrorizing suckers on the seven seas/And if you've got beef... you'll get capped in the knees" it's a wonder that they aren't more popular than they actually are. Despite this, you will occasionally hear a song that isn't unintentionally hilarious or just plain sad. Since I have better things to do than just sit around until one of those songs plays, I can't recommend any particular songs to you, just point you in this direction; where you'll find a couple album's worth of mediocrity.

Pacman

Yes, that's Pacman's skeleton. Too freaking cool.

Jazz Smörgåsbord

Found a nice little site with some old-timey classics. I'd recommend Ain't No Sunshine, Beyond The Sea, Mack The Knife, George Gershwin's ever impressive Rhapsody In Blue, It Don't Mean A Thing, Hello Dolly, the somewhat less well known version of Mack The Knife by Louis Armstrong, In The Summertime, Nature Boy, Georgia On My Mind, Hit The Road Jack and The Girl From Ipanema.

Kinematic Typography

The hot new thing on the interlines: kinematic typography. It may seem familiar if you've ever seen the intro to the film Catch Me If You Can, but its applications reach far beyond simple window dressing. If timed correctly, this unique art style can bring all the emotion and power of the spoken word to the written word. Enough about all that. Here are some of the best YouTube has to offer.

This first one is from one of my all-time favorites, Twelve Monkeys.

Here's a great blues song; Tramp, by Lowell Fulson.

So far, this is my favorite music-based experiment:

A perennial favorite, Anchorman.

As far as ultimate characters go, I'd be jumping on some teenage girl bandwagon if I said Captain Jack Sparrow. Nonetheless, he is one of the more ultimate characters.

I have all the rules of Fight Club memorized.

Hands down, the best part of A Scanner Darkly. I only wished they had done the entire scene.

Okay, this was the first one I ever saw; holds a special place in my heart; but is most definitely NSFW (language).

For all the fans of The Office out there. Also, see if you can catch the "Great Scott" reference. Classic.

To finish up, something not from a movie. Shocker.

TETRIS!

Jamendo

As much as I love finding free music online, I like it even better when I can find some free legal music. Of course, various laws are put into place to prevent you from listening to your favorite band without giving someone money; most notably copyright laws. While copyrighting your intellectual property is all well and good, many artists choose not to put a price on their music; choose not to copyright. These people give their music Creative Commons licenses. While we could talk all day about whether the very idea of a copyright license that offers no restrictions is truly copyright or not, I'd prefer we just agree that the Creative Commons license is a really good idea. The wicked cool thing about Creative Commons is that it's viral. The license allows you to do whatever you want with the music as long as you give credit to the original artist and don't profit from it. However, if you make derivative tracks of some kind (sampling anyone else), your new tune must also be Creative Commons. This means that the number of Creative Commons material can only grow in number. The only problem lies in finding the artists who choose to let you listen in for free.

Not anymore. Jamendo is a neat little site that acts as an archive of all music that has either entered the public domain, or wasn't copyrighted in the first place. While it's unlikely you'll find the next big thing in music, it's almost certain you'll find something to like in the 9104 (as of now) albums for download. While I only discovered it a few hours ago, I've been listening to the Tirpunk album Újra (I'm not sure where they're from, but whatever). So knock yourselves out. You'll need to create an account with a working email address, but once you log in you'll find more techno-goosestep-lo-fi-ska than you know what to do with.

Seriously though, there is a lot of really bad ambient techno on there. Be wary.

Medical Oddities

I've found myself lethargic of late, and perhaps you'll forgive me for my tardiness in this manner. I promise to post more.

Earlier, I was watching 20/20 and I saw an interesting little bit on a woman named Jill Price. You all know the stories about those autistic savants who can recall the day of the week and the weather if you give them a date, and at first I thought that was her deal. But the interviewer began asking more in-depth questions, as in the clothes she was wearing and the television shows she watched that day. And she remembered all of them. This is a woman who never forgets anything. Doctors first tested her with old TV Guides, asking what day of the year the final episode of M*A*S*H aired, or when the Seinfeld episode about the close-talker was on. At one point she appeared to have answered a question wrong, but after some consideration, she told them that the book was off by a week. Sure enough, she was more accurate than TV Guide about a show that had been off the air for over two decades. Here's an ABC News video about her. I saw this and remembered about two other medical oddities I had come across.

The first was about Brooke Greenberg, a fourteen year old in Maryland. She was born prematurely, and at first her parents were worried about her, but she ended up growing perfectly well until she was about one year old. Developmentally, she still maintained the appearance and mental acuity of a six-month old. And here we are, over ten years later, and she's still (for all intents and purposes) a six-month old. What appears amazing is that is she not only a perpetual baby, she also has fended off multiple ailments that doctors have claimed would kill her. When the story first shown on Dateline on 2001, she was dismissed as a hoax. Four years later, an update was aired, almost erasing all doubt. You can probably find a copy on YouTube. Weird.

Lastly is a Vietnamese farmer named Thai Ngoc. After recovering from a fever in 1973, he found himself unable to go to sleep. For 35 years, the man hasn't slept at all. This is the original Vietnamese news report, and this is the (much more in-depth and convincing) one that was written after a BBC film crew followed him around for a while. Über-weird.

The Bravery

Let me tell you how this place runs. I find a new artist, then I load them on my iPod and listen to them on the way home, taking notes. When I get home, I start up Firefox and write about them. Let me tell you, this works really well when you enjoy the artist, but when you run into something as bad as The Bravery, it makes you cringe.

Now, The Bravery is a band, and also the name of their self-titled first release. As an artist, they rock okay, sounds kinda like Arcade Fire or U2. But this first album of theirs... Ewww. It's just mediocre. Not exactly terrible, just lukewarm. Thing is, I enjoy listening to terrible music. Makes me laugh. Gives me a reason to get up in the morning. But I can't handle this tepid slop. But enough of that. On to their most recent album, The Sun And The Moon. It starts off strong with one of the better (and certainly more popular) tracks, Believe. Dips for the next few, hitting the bottom of the barrel with Every Word Is A Knife In My Ear, with the extremely uninspired chorus (and first lines) "Every word from your mouth is a knife in my ear, every thought in your head is like poison to hear." ... Ewww. Let this be a lesson to you aspiring songwriters. Don't ever write something as bad as that, ever. The album then reaches a plateau with the songs Fistful of Sand, Angelina and Split Me Wide Open. All of these songs follow the same progression and lyrical path, but if you listen to them all together it almost sounds like one song. It's not a very good song though.

"So," you ask me. "Why write such a detailed review of a band you don't even like?" Good question, guys. Good question.

Ferrofluid

ART! SCIENCE! It's a wonderful melting pot of insanity when it comes to Japan. Artists Sachiko Kodama and Minako Takeno are doing some wonderful pieces utilizing the extremely unique medium of ferrofluids. Ferrofluid is an iron based powder, coated in a slick surface reactant (like soap, you know how it makes that surface tension thing) floating suspended in oil. The end result is a black fluid extremely susceptible to magnetism. Remember when you were first learning about magnetism and your teacher gave you iron filings to play around with? Imagine the exact same scenario, except you were able to play with liquid iron. Add foot-tall corkscrews with alternating magnetic pulls, and you have art.

Yeah, I know that all of the above footage was stolen from other videos on YouTube, but it was all quiet and creepy. I thought that the masterfully dulcet tones of Philip Glass would help it go down easier. If you're lucky enough to have access to a chemistry lab, you can make your own ferrofluid by following the instructions here.

FERROFLUID AMIRIGHT?

Iron Man

While I tend to refrain from advertising anything on here that isn't free, I'm obliged to tell you to go pay to see the movie Iron Man. Marvel has had a shaky history of films before now, including The Hulk, Spiderman 3, and anything with the Fantastic Four in it (In related news, I'm officially considering Rise Of The Silver Surfer to be non-canon. It never happened). Where they're coming from now is a much different place. Iron Man and the upcoming Incredible Hulk film will be the first two Marvel films to be produced entirely in-house. All of the above (much worse) films were funded by outside studios, but now Marvel has complete creative control over all aspects of the movies bearing their name. It's a good thing.

Mild spoilers. It's really not even worth mentioning.

Moving on to the film. For those not in the know, Iron Man is billionaire weapons manufacturer Tony Stark, spectacularly portrayed by Robert Downey, Jr. After seeing the carnage for which he is responsible (and escaping the antagonists using his prototype suit), he gets all "what hath I wrought" and decides to take the law into his own hands, blowing up some tanks and such with his new, shiny suit. Then there's some betrayal and drama and whatnot. It all ends with a young, svelte Iron Man and a hulking 10-foot steel Iron Man (dubbed the Iron Monger) duking it out on a crowded freeway. Many cars are hurled, and good times are had by all.

End spoilers.

Yeah, go see it. If you need some more persuading, check out the trailer (I would embed a YouTube vid here, but it deserves nothing more than the largest size your browser can handle). The movie also features a neat little cameo by S.H.I.E.L.D. (For you comic nerds). Now I've nothing to look forward to but Indiana Jones and Batman.

P.S.: A neat little Steampunky memory just popped up in my head. In one of the original Iron Man comics, Tony Stark found himself trapped in a 19th-century community, where he found it necessary to build a steam-powered suit to save the day (Thanks to Brass Goggles). Also, here's Black Sabbath's iconic "Iron Man". Now I'm done.

The Evil Overlord List

It's become something of an internet phenomenon, but it's been around since the beginning of the web, way back in 1994. It originated with people on some Star Trek board noting the common mistakes supervillains make. Stuff that should really be common sense by now, like No. 59: "If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner", or No. 84: "I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex." It's just good reasoning. If you ever plan on getting on Bond's bad side, it would be a good starting point. Check out the full list here.

Also, were you aware that there was a Back To The Future animated series in the early Nineties? Apparently it contained live-action sequences at the end, where a young Bill Nye would perform a science experiment. All the exposure eventually led to him getting his own TV show.

Yikes.