Check this out:
I don't know who put that together, but I thank them on behalf of the internet. Also, bear in mind that the technology we use in films nowadays is a relatively recent development. Given that computing power doubles every year, I see no reason we can't climb out of the Uncanny Valley within the next three or four years. (Then the tech will keep growing until we have CGI characters who look more real than you.)
This is my new favorite thing. It's a video of previously recorded interviews with Ryan Larkin, a Canadian animator who is going on the ever-expanding "My Heroes" list. Enjoy. (Watch it full-screen and high quality, if possible. You'll thank me.)
Oh, I almost forgot this; a link to "Walking", Larkin's 1968 Oscar-nominated short.
Those of you unfamiliar with the Afro Samurai franchise, prepare to have your minds blown. There is apparently a manga series in which a man with an improbably large afro moves at impossible speeds in order to kill robot clones of themselves. This already awesome concept got a whole lot awesomer in 2007, when Afro Samurai made the leap to the screen with one of the finest anime I've had the pleasure to watch. (Bebop still wins.) The five-episode miniseries featured music composed by The Wu-Tang Clan's RZA. Yes, the RZA. Even better, the man who lent his voice to the titular* character for the English dub (which is surprisingly good) was none other than Samuel L. Jackson, which just about makes this whole thing the third most awesome thing on Earth. Obviously, the number one spot is occupied by another television show (see above), but the second spot is reserved for the Afro Samurai full length affair released earlier this year, Afro Samurai: Resurrection. The film followed the events of the anime, but with a bigger budget, tighter animation and far more resurrection than you would expect, even for a movie with the word "resurrection" in the title. But I know how hard it is to understand a visual phenom through words alone. Allow me to play you out.
*Seriously. The main character's name is "Afro Samurai". It's unfortunate.
EDIT: I just found these links. They look pretty good. Also, I think you should all know that in my YouTube page's "Videos Currently Being Watched" box, I see not one, but TWO videos claiming to have captured the ghost of Michael Jackson.
Among the detritus of late-night basic cable dreck during the Nineties, one might have stumbled across a great little program entitled "Mystery Science Theatre 3000". MST3K was a show in which a man, accompanied by his two robot friends, is periodically subjected to terrible B-movies. His torturers are incompetently evil doctors (or mothers of said doctors, in later seasons) whose motives in this endeavor are mysterious. Do they think the movies will drive this man insane? Who knows? Regardless of how A-W-E-S-O-M-E that premise sounds on it's own, any sane viewer will realize that the flimsy premise is covering for a show that allows audiences to enjoy terrible B-movies from throughout history, accompanied by the three wisecracking protagonists, who lambast the film from their seats. I mentioned them before, you know. The link includes a full episode, so if my description doesn't suffice, you can watch "Space Mutiny" to get the idea.
Anyway, that show ended over ten years ago. Fortunately for us, the genius minds behind the show continued to do what they do best. They started RiffTrax, where they sell feature-length DVD commentaries that sync up to movies people already own. The Dark Knight, The Happening, Pirates Of The Caribbean, I Am Legend, Transformers, and dozens more. It actually doesn't matter if the movie is good or bad, it just gets better when these guys get a hold of it.
Really, really bad movies. Also, spoilers.
Recently, in an attempt to clear off some space on my bloated hard drive, I watched some movies that I had been "meaning to get around to" for a few months. These are, of course, the movies that I didn't really want to watch, but felt obligated to anyway for some reason. This is because I spent the time to locate and download these films, so I feel that I shouldn't just delete them without ever having seen them. These movies were Babylon A.D., Resident Evil: Extinction, Death Race, Ultraviolet and Hitman. Shall we?
Babylon A.D. was... not bad. Surprisingly enough, it wasn't bad at all (comparatively). Despite being a shameless Vin Diesel vehicle, the movie has shockingly high production values and decent acting. Vin can act just fine if he doesn't open his mouth too much (he doesn't). It also helps if the dialogue he does have isn't pun-based in nature. The plot, admittedly based on a French novel and not a Vin original, is pretty good. At the very least, it keeps you guessing until the end. Which is where the whole thing falls apart. The entire film moves at a fairly decent clip with just the right amount of explosions and just the right amount of exposition to keep you watching. Then it betrays the audience it worked so hard to earn with a confusing and unsatisfactory ending (not based on the original ending, it should be noted). All in all, I give it six stars. Also, it has black market tiger clones.
Then there was Resident Evil: Extinction. Don't take me as an elitist, I'm not above a good zombie flick. I'm also not entirely opposed to films based on video games (though I should be. Anyone else see Max Payne? Man, I could do a separate post entirely on that piece of junk). But if I'm going to invest time in a movie that I was lured into with the understanding that I'd see zombie birds, I don't want them to be killed by the psychic main character in, like, thirty seconds. So, tips for improvement: more zombie crows and less plot. Because the plot that was there was ridiculous. Also, I'm offended that you thought that the audience would be won over by zombie dogs that are obviously just Rottweilers with a bad paint job. Shameful. Four stars.
I have to cut Death Race some slack. Not much, but more than it deserves. It was based on Deathrace 2000, a film produced in 1975 by the inimitable Roger Corman. For the uninformed, Roger Corman was king of the B-movie during the latter half of the 50's and most of the 60's and 70's. Perhaps the best-known of his stories is that of The Little Shop Of Horrors (not the musical; it was the film that inspired the Broadway musical of the same name), a black comedy that he filmed in three days on a budget of $30,000. According to the all-knowing Wikipedia, his most prolific period was marked in 1957, when he produced nine films. In case you don't know, both films center around the premise that at some point in the future, a gladiatorial road race would become a source of national entertainment. In the 2008 remake, the plot takes a turn for the wacky when Jason Statham is framed for his wife's murder. This is eventually revealed to be an elaborate set-up by the warden of the prison where he ends up (who run the races as a way for inmates to win their freedom), who needs a replacement driver for her star racer, Frankenstein. Frank died in his most recent race, but any driver with Frank's old hockey mask could pass for him, drawing in the pay-per-view money. It's a tenuous excuse for a plot, but that's not why people went to go see it. They went to go see a live-action version of the N64 classic Carmageddon (remember that? Yeah, you do). These people, along with the film's investors, were severely disappointed. The racing element was given far too little attention for a movie entitled Death Race, meaning a disproportional amount of film stock was wasted on Jason Statham worrying about his dead wife and baby daughter or whatever. That being said, there is a part where the race organizers introduce the Dreadnought, an enormous 18-wheeler-cum-tank. Sweet. Three stars.
Kurt Wimmer is a confusing human being. He wrote The Thomas Crown Affair and The Recruit, two seemingly average, if not better-than-average, films. He also wrote and directed Equilibrium, a film that, while being absolutely ridiculous, could also be easily called better-than-average. Then he comes along and decides to destroy all his hard-earned cred by writing and directing Ultraviolet. I could talk about the choice to use the queen of the "New B" school of film (Milla Jovovich, also star of Resident Evil: Extinction), I could talk about his decision to awkwardly shoehorn in a vampire angle, I could even talk about how the film makes no sense whatsoever, but instead I'll talk about his gratuitous use of Photoshop's Blur tool.
Honestly, the entire film is like that. Watch the following clip from the movie to see an example of the "kinda-neat-idea; poor-follow-through" feel that permeates the film. Two stars.
And that leaves us with Hitman. I should just go ahead and tell you now: this movie gets one star. That's out of ten. It's also the only movie I would recommend. This is because you cannot possibly understand the level of its suckitude from the mere written word. It is... quite possibly the worst movie I've ever seen. This is not to say that it's bad in the same way as Army Of Darkness, but it's bad in the sense that I honestly didn't have fun watching it. I didn't enjoy a single moment. Also they make a gross spelling error that I notice every time. Yeah. Every time. Can anyone explain why I've seen this three times?
I'm done.
That's right. Jumanji. Struck by a wave of nostalgic whimsy, I located and watched the 1995 film Jumanji, starring Robin Williams and (I had forgotten this) a twelve-year-old Kirsten Dunst. The movie came out at what I'd like to call the peak of Robin Williams' career. While researching the film for this article, I found that Robin Williams was in Dead Poets Society (#10 in 1989), Hook (#6 in 1991), Aladdin (#1 in 1992), Mrs. Doubtfire (#2 in 1993) and Jumanji (#7 in 1995). In case you don't see what I'm getting at, those are box office numbers. He was the star in at least five top-ten movies in the span of about five years. And in case you don't remember, those films are all awesome. But that's enough about the has-been (prove me wrong, Robin). The film is just as cool as you remember it (given that you've seen it in the past). It has CGI monkeys, enormous mosquitoes, an animatronic lion, man-eating crocodiles, and a scene where a Crown Vic is crushed and dragged away by sentient vines.
The film has everything an adventure movie should; namely, CGI monkeys. Beyond that, all you'll get is my glowing recommendation to get your hands on a copy of this movie ASAP. There's also a monkey-boy and a deranged hunter in a pith helmet with little to no character motivation. Just a big gun. 8/10.
"I don't know why, I just really want to kill this guy. No reason, just irks me is all. Plus, I hated Man Of The Year."
Also, here's a band I normally dislike, Flight Of The Conchords.
In what is becoming kind of my new thing, I've decided to start doing some movie reviews here. Last night, I saw Sweeney Todd for the first time, and I admit, I only watched it to see Sacha Baron Cohen get brutally murdered.
I couldn't decide which I liked better.
Not so smug now, are you, Ali G? After I realized that there was still a bunch of time left in this movie, I was tempted just to call it a day with the murder of Borat, but I'm glad I sat it out. Tim Burton falls back on his stock actors of Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter, and I'm glad he did. I honestly can't see anyone else in these roles. Depp has a surprisingly powerful voice, and though the songs are forgettable by normal film-musical standards, he and Carter have wonderful onscreen chemistry. As a side note, I'd like to tip my stylish hat to the digital colorist for this film. It takes about half and hour to get to the first sprays of blood, but when you do, you quickly realize that everything else in the film is either gray or brown. There is literally no bright color in this movie (excepting flashbacks and Pirelli's dashing frock coat) until people start getting all cut up. Quite a contrast. Not exactly a movie I'd buy, but I'd borrow, rent or steal it, sure. 5/10.
And because there's never enough content in these review pieces, take "the heaviest album of all time," Slayer's 1986 "Reign In Blood". It took about ten minutes to realize that I was listening to different songs (they all kind of blended), and another five to realize I had a huge headache. After I finished the album, my iTunes jumped to Vivaldi's Four Seasons. There's a transition for you.
Upon seeing the excremental film Doomsday, I felt it was my civic duty to write up a list of alternates to its official tagline, "The End Is Nigh."
And then comes the cannibalism. Again, totally justified.
Last night, I saw Kung Fu Hustle. It is by far the best martial arts movie based on Tom & Jerry I've ever seen. It includes, among other things, a woman screaming loud enough to tear the clothes off of two blind musician/assassins (and later using a megaphone of sorts to demolish an establishment with people inside), a man getting beaten up by an accountant on a public bus, the same man being kicked into outer space, and a scene I have actually wanted to see forever: a man having his face punched through the floor of a building. Repeatedly. Of course, the entire movie is liberally sprinkled with "boing"-esque sound-effects, causing you to wonder if you're watching a Hong Kong martial arts film or just hallucinating from lack of sleep (At one point I actually thought this. I had to get up and walk around a while). I can neither recommend nor condemn this film. It's just too wacky.
I've long been a fan of comics, mostly because it's like watching a movie, but you're reading. So it's good for you. Or something. And I'm willing to accept that every single panel of every single page may not be stunning art-wise. But after a period of time, I expect a basic level of competence in the way an entirely visual medium looks. I find this kind of important. Which is why it shocks me to discover that Rob Liefeld can still get work. This is the man who drew this:
Now admittedly, that is the one piece that everyone points to to illustrate how bad he is at what he's paid thousands to do, but surely most of his work... Ah, I guess not. Countdown of the forty worst Liefeld drawings can be found here, complete with witty commentary. He's apparently incapable of drawing hands or feet. Enjoy. And as long as you're enjoying that, enjoy this little number I found floating around. It's conclusion pits Captain America against... REPTOID RONALD REAGAN.
You'll have to take my word for it, that's the Gipper.
P.S.: In addition to being made of win and epic (are you HAPPY, internet?), this film will be freaking A-W-E-S-O-M-E.
They Might Be Giants have been one of the consistent musical elements in my career (see my FIRST POST EVER), and while I wait for their return to music written and performed for adults, I can console myself with the realization that they can still make a mind-blowing music video.
Fans of bloody coups, anachronistic robots made of paper, less than subtle nods to Shakespeare or fans of catchy guitar riffs can count themselves among the fans of this video. And I'm fairly sure those four categories cover... everyone.
For some short ideas that I've been kicking around for a few days but didn't warrant enough content for a post of their own; I saw Shark Week not too long ago. I love the Discovery Channel. The fact that sharks haven't evolved in a few millennia just shows that they no longer have anything to offer to the gene pool. They're done fine-tuning themselves. This means that a) the blood-thirsty, merciless monsters that routinely make news by tearing off a limb or something are essentially the model for the perfect species, or b) sharks have beaten out every other breed of ocean-dwelling carnivore to become a veritable master race, the Aryans of the Deep*. The other piece of news I found was that on September 1, 2001, Marvel Comics unveiled a new supervillan. His name was Jihad, and he was a giant Middle Eastern genie bent on world-domination. For some reason, he hasn't been used much since.
*"Aryans Of The Deep" just so happens the title of my screenplay, in which the Nazis (who've been hiding in giant undersea fortresses) return in massive submarines to terrorize us all once again. I kid, of course. That would be ridiculous.
Based on the Eye of Sauron in the background and the King Kong links and the New Zealand domain name, I'm betting that Peter Jackson is a fan of using the Weta Workshop. Their other credits include The Muppet Show, At least one (new) Zorro movie, Prince Caspian and the (new) Doctor Who TV show. Besides making some of the most convincing creature effects in movies today, they sell collectibles. Like those little statues for people who... I don't know who actually buys those. And helmets for fauns.
I think that the two large holes practically inviting an archer to shoot an arrow straight into Mr. Tumnus' frontal lobe is a pretty obvious design flaw, but what do I know? In addition to these items that pale in comparison, they offer something pretty cool. LASER GUNS! Who among us hasn't wanted one of these?
Pictured above, you see the Victorious Mongoose 1902a - Concealable Ray Pistol. Also pictured is the fine leather case it comes in, complete with brass snaps and an envelope of some kind. I have no clue what that is. Not pictured is the look of shock on your face when you see that this chunk of admittedly well-crafted metal and wood costs over five hundred American dollars. A look of shock that then turns to relief when you realize that in comparison to these other full-sized ray guns, that's nothin'. I admit, I would be more inclined to purchase the derringer-sized one, the other ones are huge. She could break a wrist.
EDIT: According to Wikipedia (so it must be true) Weta makes what they call "bigatures", miniatures that can get up to nine meters in height. The chain-mail work on a twenty-foot orc was apparently so intricate that a few people actually wore off the fingerprints on their thumbs and forefingers. WOW.
Browsing the Wired website is much more fulfilling experience than reading the magazine, for some reason. All the little contests are pretty great, like this ASCII art contest; the winner of which has apparently never tried the medium before. I call shenanigans.
There's no way that was his first piece. And among the numerous (twelve) masterpieces, you can find two professional artists, both of whom submitted their posters for Radiohead and Battles.
But that's all besides the point. Someone did Star Wars: A New Hope in ASCII art format! Line for line! It's impressive! Up until about halfway through, when you realize you just sat through a monochrome shaggy dog story that ends with a joke that should have died quite a while ago.
I'm in the middle of reading George Orwell's classic 1984 for the first time, and I'm seriously intrigued by the idea of language that's designed primarily to rid the English language of original thought. Everything that can possibly be said can be said using a number of suffixes, prefixes and modifiers in the fictional Newspeak language. For instance, if something is good, it's simply "good". There are no alternatives. If something is great, it's "plusgood", indicating a slightly elevated level of enthusiasm. If something is excellent or spectacular, it's "doubleplusgood". It's not specifically mentioned, but I think it's safe to say that "doubleplusgood" is about as twice as great as "plusgood". The worst possible descriptor is, of course, "doubleplusungood". Also, any word can be turned into an adverb simply adding the suffix "-wise" while any word can be turned into a adjective by adding "-ful". This presumably leads to such confusing sentences as "I'm fullwise doubleplusthirstful" meaning "I'm really thirsty". It can get a little hard to read sometimes. One of the more interesting concepts is that of the "unperson", a phrase used when someone is not only killed by the state, but effectively erased from history. What's creepy about it is that it actually happened in the Soviet regime. Here's a picture of Uncle Joe "I Killed More People Than Hitler" Stalin standing next to Nikolai Ivanovich Yezhov, a senior figure in the Soviet Police (1984 parallel: Thinkpol), and then a picture that could be found later after Yezhov fell from grace.
Old-school Photoshoppin'. So anyway, here's The Newspeak Dictionary, which not only lists and describes Newspeak from the book and movie but also what the proprietor of the site considers to be real-life Newspeak used by politicians and the media. It can get a little critical of those of you who may be politically correct, so it's best just to read the 1984 stuff. Also, if you haven't read the book, you can here.
So there I was, trolling YouTube, killing time, when I stumbled upon this slice of heaven.
"A monocycle?" I cried aloud, much to the annoyance of my boss, who was talking to me at the time. "What could this be? Could such a thing exist?" I instantly dropped everything I was doing and began to search for a purveyor of such a device online; all the while vaguely aware that people were still talking to me. These people, however, were not monocycles, so I considered them significantly less important. And find one I did. I fully intend to scrounge up the requisite thirteen thousand dollars so I can scoot about town, worrying that the wheel would get caught and I'd just spin around and around and around inside the wheel, all the while screaming "THIS WAS A BAD IDEA."
Kinda reminds me of the monowheel thing in Steamboy. Ever seen that? Why not? It's steampunk anime. If it's good enough for me, then it's good enough for you. Gotta go. Boss is saying something about a "pink slip".
Here, enjoy some Gnarls Barkley. I hate the song, but the video is spectacular.
Also, enjoy this right here if you speak Japanese. If not, just bask in the glory that is a Darth Vader-based samurai helmet.
Also, this.
Well, that's all the randomness I have time for today. Come back tomorrow when I discuss the relative values of the Latvian Gambit over the Stonewall Attack!
For the most part, I tend to stay away from top ten comedy lists (on the INTERNET?! Surely you jest), finding them elitist and slanted in their leanings. I also like to stay away from comedy articles online. That being said, I had never read Cracked.com before. I actually like it. Much like The Onion, it has comedy articles, mostly lists. I love lists. Here are some of the best.
The Nine Manliest Names In The World
Five Recent Scientific Advances (And How They'll Destroy Us All)
Near Misses: The Six Worst Movies Hollywood Almost Made
Eight Laws All Comic Book Movies Follow
If Juno was Ten Times Shorter And 100 Times More Honest
Five Scientific Reasons A Zombie Apocalypse Could Actually Happen
The Five Most Badass Presidents Of All Time
The Six Most Badass Stunts Ever Pulled In The Name Of Science
Six Insane Cults (That Would Probably Be A Lot Of Fun)
But really, they're all good.
EDIT: Jesus Christ. Read this. Not you, Olivia. Seriously. NOT YOU.
THE UNHEARD OF DOUBLE EDIT!: Okay, I'm done.
This is going to be terrible.
Note: I'm a huge fan of the graphic novel, so if you're totally lost, read the book. Seriously. If you've already read it, read it again with this annotation. It's pretty in-depth. Come to think of it, a book as grand as this deserves a longer post than this, but I'm seriously tired for some reason. Seriously. Read the book. It completely changes your view of the comic medium, the superhero genre and how literature can be interpreted. It also proved inspiration for many other awesome things, most notably Heroes. I was actually kinda mad when I MILD SPOILER!! saw the last couple episodes of the first season. I won't say any more for fear of ruining not one but two excellent plots (even if one is almost a word for word ripoff of the other). Okay, one more thing. Dr. Manhattan and Sylar are both second-generation watchmakers? Please. NERD RANT... OUT!
Hot off the presses, a website about terrible video games! Again! With dozens of those lying around, you need a hook to distinguish yourself from the crowd. How about a site dedicated entirely to terrible voice acting in video games? Jackpot.
Now, I'll be the first person to admit that perhaps my acting abilities are somewhat less than I profess them to be, as are my abilities to criticize actors. However, I can say without fear of overstepping myself that I, or indeed almost anyone, could do better jobs than these people.
As a public service, I'll scan the top five worst games and pick out the cream of the crap. In fifth place, we see the game Megaman 8 for the Playstation. Perhaps a good place to start would be this clip, where we can hear an actor stumble not once, but twice while reading his lines. A lesser producer would insist he do it again, but I suppose if you hire a voice actor that bad in the first place, you're not exactly going for the gold.
In fourth place, a crazy little game called Tenchu, also for the Playstation. One clip will not suffice in this case, so try on both of these for size. I suppose this is a step up from Megaman because it has both terrible acting and terrible writing.
In third, and proving that the Playstation was the hands-down champion of poorly thought out games, is Resident Evil. I know, it was a great game when you were ten, but listen to it now. While you can blame the first clip on poor acting, the second seems almost intentionally funny. It's not so much the "crow," it's the "or something."
At number two, Sega takes the torch from the Playstation to bring you Deep Fear. Quite frankly, I think that none of the lines were especially good. The only chuckle-worthy moments are the clips with DuBois, a (supposedly German) gay naval engineer. The obviously Australian (or New Zealish* or something) actor hams it up to the max, giving his character a high-pitched la-di-da voice that borders on offensive if it wasn't so damn funny.
And the coveted first place goes to Turbografx-CD's Last Alert. And it deserves it. I can't tell if the voice actor here is actually Japanese, or just a racist; I can't tell if this was supposed to be funny; I can't tell if they even bothered with a second take on this one; and I can't tell what the hell is going on here at all. "HEY GUY!" Oh yeah.
Oh, and I totally saw the new Indiana Jones flick. Movie-wise, it was all right. Indiana-wise, I think they would have been smarter to leave well enough alone.
*I looked this up. The adjective pertaining to a New Zealander is "New Zealand." That's right. If you're from New Zealand, you are New Zealand.
The hot new thing on the interlines: kinematic typography. It may seem familiar if you've ever seen the intro to the film Catch Me If You Can, but its applications reach far beyond simple window dressing. If timed correctly, this unique art style can bring all the emotion and power of the spoken word to the written word. Enough about all that. Here are some of the best YouTube has to offer.
This first one is from one of my all-time favorites, Twelve Monkeys.
Here's a great blues song; Tramp, by Lowell Fulson.
So far, this is my favorite music-based experiment:
A perennial favorite, Anchorman.
As far as ultimate characters go, I'd be jumping on some teenage girl bandwagon if I said Captain Jack Sparrow. Nonetheless, he is one of the more ultimate characters.
I have all the rules of Fight Club memorized.
Hands down, the best part of A Scanner Darkly. I only wished they had done the entire scene.
Okay, this was the first one I ever saw; holds a special place in my heart; but is most definitely NSFW (language).
For all the fans of The Office out there. Also, see if you can catch the "Great Scott" reference. Classic.
To finish up, something not from a movie. Shocker.
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