McSweeney's Internet Tendencies: Lists

Sorry about the delays. I've been in Germany!

On to the interwebbing: McSweeney's Internet Tendencies. For the life of me, I cannot figure out who Timothy McSweeney is, but the publishing house bearing his name releases quarterly magazines featuring pieces that have been rejected by other magazines. A very cool concept. The website, however, is filled with hundreds of short comedy articles by a variety of authors, all with different topics. For now, I'll sort through the best of my favorite section: The lists.

Twenty-First-Century Computing, as Explained by My Mother*

Top Hip-Hop Acts of 18th-Century England

Four Simple Steps to Becoming More Decisive*

Some Novelty Items That Never Caught On

Terms Generally Not Used by Pugilists*

Zen Parable or Just Someone Being Cruel?

Clint Eastwood Film or Gay Porn? (Work-safe)

Words Never Used in the Titles of Remotely Good Films

Alternate Titles for House of Flying Daggers

Things That Get Way More Fun When You Add a "G" to Them

Comments on My Short Story I've Received From My Creative-Writing Classmates*

Jokes Made by Robots, for Robots

The Endings of 10 Famous Novels You Always Meant to Read but Never Got Around To

What Critics and Writers Are Saying About My New Book of Poetry, The Doberman Plot

Businesses That Failed to Duplicate the Success of "I Can't Believe It's Yogurt."*

Hoover Dam Fast-Fact Pamphlet If Hoover Dam Were a Scale Model Made of Legos

Popular Musicians If England Had Won the Revolutionary War

Inefficient Units of Currency*

Titles of Songs I Could Credibly Write If I Became a Rap Star

Twelve Phrases Involving Al Roker That Return Only One Hit on Google*

Scary Moments in Human/Robot Relations in Nonchronological Order

Forthcoming Books in the Increasingly Mature Harry Potter Series

Least Reputable Charities

Ten Precepts From The Art of War That Never Made It Past Sun Tzu's Editor*

Obscenities Uttered by Jesus Christ

Things Not Overheard at a Conceptual-Art Gallery Opening

Unspoken Afterthoughts to Childhood Catch Phrases

There's a whole crapload more, but I'm really tired now, so there you go for now. Enjoy.

*Recommended by our staff (me)

EDIT:

These are some newer ones:

Actuarial Tables

Airlines Of Last Resort

YouTube Comment Or e.e. cummings?*

15 Uses For Vodka

Philosopher Finishing Moves*

From The People Who Brought You Poetry Slam

Articles Of Clothing That Go Well With Distressed Jeans

Mysterious Ways In Which The Lord Works*

Merry Christmas

Or happy holidays or whatever. Bright blessings and all that.

April Winchell's Audio

I don't know who April Winchell is, but I know I owe her big-time. I found her first website a couple of years back, but now, finding it again, I realize why I started this blog. Oddio. It's a real mystery where she finds her finely blended mix of oddio, but there's no denying it's one of the best repositories for it on the web. Check it out here. The entire site is worth going through, but I've selected some of my favorites for your mooching pleasure.

Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairies - A klezmer version. Look up "klezmer"
Smells Like Gregorian Teen Spirit - Gregorian chanting. Well, whatever. Nevermind.
Mario Bros. A Cappella - Self-explanatory and pretty good, to boot.
Uncensored Ragtime - Ever hear any Eminem? OK, listen to this. Pretty well done.
These Boots Were Made For Walkin' - As sung by Crispin Glover. I'm not joking, this is serious stuff. Betcha can't finish the whole track.
I Am The Walrus - A Jim Carrey track. For seriously. He is actually not a terrible singer.
Yerrow Subamarine - I'm not here to pass judgment on whoever named this track, but the lead singer, who sings the rest of the song in Japanese, actually does say that during the chorus.
Stairway To Heaven - On ACCORDIONS!
God Will F**k You Up - A Christian Music recording, so the site would have you believe. I think it might be satire. S'funny either way. Take a listen.
O Holy Night - This is my favorite. If you're going to listen to just one song here, make it this one. Listen to it all the way through.

Things Of Interest

This, ladies and gentlemen, is one of my favorite sites. Not quite a blog, but something much better, it holds true to its promise: Things Of Interest. Case in point:

This is a graph of the function: F(n)=2400-4896n+3670n2-1175n3+170n4-9n5 over 40. Take a look at the numbers. Yes. Those are the LOST numbers (If you don't watch LOST, then just skip the paragraph and go to the website). He figured out a polynomial that passes through each integer (4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42) in sequence (the next number is 46. After that, it drops down to -52).

Sam Hughes, mastermind and Time Magazine's Person of the Year for 2006, maintains and writes for the site, where he uploads his fiction and musings. His fiction is great, but the real goldmine is to be found in his numerous musings. You can find pages with calculators to determine exactly how much you owe the RIAA in stolen music and movies, pages on why Snorlax is awesome, and my personal favorite: How To Commit Geocide(destroying the Earth. Chock-full of sciencey goodness). Go to his site and be enlightened.

Logan Whitehurst & The Junior Science Club

Steel thyselves. Logan is a very acquired taste. Most of the following tracks you will hate when you first listen to them. I'm just acting on a hunch here. Who knows? Logan, who died much too young almost exactly one year ago, wrote an impressive number of songs, releasing 8 CDs over a six-year period. You can download most of them here.

Try these on for size:
Fission or Fusion?
Me & The Snowman
Monkeys Are Bad People
ohmygodimonfire
Paranoia
The Robot Cat
When Werewolves Collide

Oh yeah. Even if you're not going to listen to the tracks, at least learn how to be cool.

The Birthday Paradox

I am a Dude who loves numbers (I capitalize "Dude" because I rule). However, I hate math. This may confuse you, but numbers in and of themselves propagate patterns, and generally determine how life runs for us. Math, on the other hand, shows little to no logic to anyone, save the privileged few who understand how stuff like the Birthday Paradox works.

Say you're in a room with 39 other people. What are the odds, would you say, of you and another person having the same birthday? Pretty low, right? You'd say that in order to be sure, you'd have to have 366 people (number of days in the year, plus one), right? And that with only 40 people in the room the odds are around 10%, right? Wrong, wrong, wrong. With 40 people in the room, the probability is over 90%. Whazza? Doesn't seem right, does it? Even stranger, if there are sixty people in the room, the odds increase to above 99%.

Strictly speaking, it's not actually a paradox. All the same, it blows minds in much the same way. You can find an exact explanation of the problem here. This article is good for a laugh, too.

"In My Pants"

Really sleepy, but just thought of something hysterical. Flying all over dozens of internet forums, you can find the "in my pants" phenomenon. Simply take any song title and add the phrase "in my pants" to the end of it. Instant comedy. Take for instance, The Beatles' Fixing a Hole... In My Pants. Or perhaps Billy Joel's We Didn't Start The Fire... In My Pants. Here are a few more to get you started (please post any good ones in the comments):

Dashboard Confessional's Hands Down In My Pants
The Smiths' I Started Something I Couldn't Finish In My Pants
Linkin Park's Numb In My Pants
Brendan Benson's What I'm Looking For In My Pants

For the record, I found most of those on a forum. Not my work.

Heh... They Might Be Giants' Now That I Have Everything In My Pants. OK, that was weak. I'm going to bed.

Vocal Sampling - Hotel California

The Cuban A Cappella band Vocal Sampling, performing a great song on a great music video. Yes, the guitar solo is a human voice. Distorted, but human.

Bill Nye (The Science Guy)

Bill Nye is, truly, the Chuck Norris of the Science World. Check it out here. Some of the quotes depend on an in-depth knowledge of a little thing called SCIENCE, by the by. The comic is from XKCD.

Banksy

Happy birthday, Sayer. This post is half of your birthday present.

Many argue that graffiti somehow devalues a property, shows disdain for ownership, is simple vandalism. In many cases that's true. But who's to say that ALL graffiti should be erased, taken from public space, forgotten? Art is the highest form of expression, and to limit the amount of art viewable by the public is nothing short of elitism. And anyone who says graffiti isn't art is simply generalizing. Art and graffiti aren't mutually exclusive. You can learn a lot about a place by looking at the writing on the wall.

Case in point: Banksy is a British graffiti artist. Anyone remotely interested in the subject likely knows his name and his work. His work is usually satiric in nature, and often comments on society, religion, politics and capitalism. Sometimes it simply serves to challenge your perceptions:

You can find dozens of his pieces on his website. His outdoor pieces are his best (in my humble opinion) but all of his pieces are distinctive and simply great. If you like any of his work, do not hesitate: BUY THIS BOOK. It's spectacular. If you doubt still, take a look at the customer reviews on the Amazon.com page (That one star review doesn't count. That guy doesn't know what's going on).

Delta Goodrem's Australia

Daaaaamn. Rarely could you show me a commercial that makes me feeling like shedding tears of joy, but sure enough, Australia's tourism board has done it again (by again, I mean Australia has a proud history of having spectacular tourism commercials. Look 'em up. Or if you're too lazy, I can do it for you. Whatever):

The Noble Collection

You may recall (or see further down your screen) a post I did not too long ago regarding Museum Replicas, the website where everything rules, all the time. Similar to, but separate from that website we find The Noble Collection. It bills itself similarly as a producer of fine movie replicas, but it lacks where Museum Replicas takes off. It has much less selection and the work seems inferior (not to judge, I'm sure the products are great). However you may have noticed that Museum Replicas didn't have any Harry Potter stuff.

"What?" I hear you cry. "A site as awesome as that without a bunch of knockoff Harry Potter memorabilia seems... less awesome." Not to fear. This is where The Noble Collection enters. Do you want an authentic recreation of Harry's wand? I sure do. Remember Hermione's kick-ass Time-Turner; with the little hourglass-mounted-on-a-gyroscope action it had going on? I sure do. How would you like to be the proud owner of Godric Gryffindor's sword (permanently affixed to a piece of wood, but whatever), the one that killed that huge snake? I sure would. Or maybe the Philosopher's Stone? I mean, it's called the Sorcerer's Stone, but we all know what it really is. At least, I sure do.

Let's face it. It's not as good as some aforementioned sites, but where else are you gonna find a pewter mug with the Gryffindor crest embossed into it? Exactly. It might fail in places where Museum Replicas succeeds, but where it succeeds, you get a snake cane. For realsies.

Captain Jack's Pirate Hats

A buccaneer such as yourself would be needin' a hat, wouldn't he? Why settle? Go for Captain Jack's. There are a number of finely crafted tricorns on the internet, but they're all made by massive costume companies, and, an issue for me, they're all made of leather, as was the style back in the 1600's. Not anymore. Welcome to Captain Jack's Pirate Hats. Every hat order is processed individually. The maintainer of the website, a Captain Jack, makes the hat himself from wool felt that can be treated two different ways to give it that authentic look and feel. What's more, there are over 20 different hat styles to be found on the site, giving you a much appreciated sense of variety. Choices range from the standard Long John Silver (the one I plan to buy) to the unique and strangely appealing MacKay: Whatever it is you plan to do today, stop. First go buy a pirate hat.

Jingle All The Way

OK, here we go: A Michael Jackson favorite, as done by a punk band: Smooth Criminal The B-52's, the geniuses behind such wonders as Rock Lobster, bring you: Love Shack I forget whose version this is, but you know it: Moon River The Ultimate Love Song: The Book Of Love You know this if you've seen Arrested Development or Anchorman: Afternoon Delight The Barenaked Ladies; geniuses; Canadian: Alcohol, One Week, If I Had A Million Dollars This was actually one of the songs that follows Pachelbel's progression: Hook Brendan Benson, one of the guys in the Raconteurs, has a solo career that's taking off: Me Just Purely A great song that you probably remember: Summer In The City The same song, but by the porn groove band Butthole Surfers (it's a legitimate genre): Summer In The City A Carl Douglas one-hit-wonder: Kung Fu Fighting If you like bluegrass at all, you'll have this song. If not, it's a great introduction (it gets a lot better after the first minute): Dueling Banjos This song needs no introduction: Earth Angel A Beach Boys perennial favorite: I Get Around You're not a hippie unless you can sing this song: Aquarius/Let The Sunshine In A Chumbawumba song ("I get knocked down, but I get up again"): Tubthumping A vastly underrated Gorillaz song. Everyone knows "Feel Good Inc.", but that song is awful compared to: Clint Eastwood Corky and the Juice Pigs. No one knows them but me: Gay Eskimo That one song that everyone sings at ballgames ("na-na, na-na-na-na, hey hey hey, goodbye"): Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye Another one-hit-wonder by Eiffel 65: I'm Blue And another one-hit-wonder (Listen children, to a story that was written long ago): One Tin Soldier From the comedy A Cappella group "Da Vinci's Notebook", I present: Enormous Penis To those who can sing the entire thing, I salute you: Modern Major General An 80's classic: You Spin Me Right Round LISTEN TO THIS SONG: The General, The General (Live) If you live in the UK, or somewhere with stolen UK television like I have, you might have seen this song in a Boots commercial: Here Come The Girls Another one-hit-wonder, more recent this time (The Numa Numa song): Dragostea Din Tei For many of you, this will be the only contact you have with Monty Python. And that's a crying shame: Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life Not really a one-hit-wonder, but it might as well have been: YMCA The OK Go song that first spurred them to worldwide fame (the song that they did on treadmills): Here It Goes Again The ultimate dance song; and my ringtone, I might add: The Final Countdown If you listened to much music when you were a child in the early 90's, you might remember this. If not, well, it's never too late to have a happy childhood: Bananaphone A magical song that makes everything go faster (You'll know it): Yakety Sax Another Da Vinci's Notebook. That one guy has the worst Irish accent. It almost ruins the song. Almost: Another Irish Drinking Song This might say that it's by "Boot To The Head", but that's the name of the album. It's by The Frantics, and it's a great love song: You Scare The Shit Out Of Me If I had to choose the best songs off this list, I'd say go for Alcohol, Hook, I Get Around, You Spin Me Right Round, The General (both versions are good), Dragostea Din Tei, and The Final Countdown. Happy Holidays! P.S.: That's all for now, but I'm thinking of putting some more in later, so stay tuned. (Some of these songs aren't permanent. Get 'em quick and drop me a line in the comments if any of the links are down. I'll try and find another one for ya.)

Honeysuckle

On my daily trawl, I came across a mostly yellow site entirely in German (or Dutch or something, I don't know). I forget how I came to be there, but the point is, there are some free tracks of a somewhat bizarre nature on that site, and I find it my duty to inform you all. It's a kind of string ragtime band. I had never really been into ragtime before, but I really enjoyed the Honeysuckle Half-Step, the fourth of the five tracks from HZO's 1996 CD (I guess I can read a little German). Dig that crazy rhythm: Honeysuckle.

Sorry about the posting delays, but I've been working on a massive Christmas present for you guys and the internet is resisting my attempts at sucking her dry of every single worthy song.

The Story of Stuff

Ever look at all the stuff around you and wonder why so much of it seems new; from your clothes to your computer to your furniture? Wonder no more. I just found an AMAZING site: The Story of Stuff. Remember An Inconvenient Truth? That was a pretty good movie. It opened our eyes to a lot of things. Not only is the 20-minute Flash movie on the main "Story of Stuff" page better than the entire 2-hour Al Gore slide show, the topic is so much more urgent. It takes you on a tour of the story of all our stuff: from resource extraction to production to distribution to consumption to destruction, and tells us why we have to stop. Though it slows down occasionally to comment on the foreign policy of the US; and sling mud at the advertising industry, the whole thing works to an astounding degree. If you're going to see only one website this year, there's something terribly wrong with you. And make it this one.

The One Second Film

Want to co-produce a film while holding up a 9 to 5 job? Now you can. This is the world's biggest short film, a non-profit collaborative art project that anyone can be a part of for as little as $1. One dollar will make you a producer of the film, ten dollars and up will make you an executive producer. All profits will go to charity. The film is composed of one second of animation, in which each of the 24 frames is a single painting made during a massive party. Following the film, the credits begin to roll while a 90-minute making-of documentary is shown. All producers and executive producers will get credits. It is billed as the world's first film paid for entirely by donations. And it will RULE. Check out the intro video on the above website.