Back To The Future Edit

This is inexplicably funny. Stay tuned.

I Will Never Grow Tired Of This

Veggie Monster Is No More

Hey gang! Great news; evidently Cookie Monster has downplayed his pro-vegetable stance, the one adopted in 2006 after parent watchdog groups got all "concerned" about "childhood obesity". Apparently, ratings plummeted and Cookie Monster fell back off the wagon. I can find no evidence to either confirm or deny this baseless rumor, but I heard it from someone who probably wouldn't lie to me, so just trust me here.

For the past few days, I've been stuck on these parodies of the famous "I'm a Mac"/"I'm a PC" commercials. These are from the 2007 season, when Spiderman 3, Superman Returns, and Batman Begins were all relative newcomers. Enjoy.

These are all from the 2008 summer season, which saw the release of Iron Man and The Dark Knight. These skits also tend to be better in quality. If anything, watch these.

Andrew Bird

Among the numerous new artists I find every week or so, there is sometimes the occasional performer that I will keep coming back to. The ones I'll still be listening to in a year. Over the past few weeks, I've learned to love Andrew Bird. I mentioned him in passing twice before; the first time being a link to a zeusaphone playing "A Nervous Tic Motion Of The Head To The Left" (video, sadly, now removed), and the second time being a brief intro to my post on sand art. Well, now I've heard more than one song by the guy. In fact, I've heard almost all of his albums. And you can too.

His 1996 album Music Of Hair is a good deal different from the rest of his oeuvre. In it, he truly shines as a violinist (which is his whole thing). It's a slightly funky mix of bluegrassy, almost-Irish sounding melodies, which is a little off-putting. However, if you're going to put in the effort, I would recommend the tracks "Ambivalence Waltz", "Oh So Insistent", and "Ratitat/Peter's Wolf/Oblivious Reel". Especially "Oh So Insistent". It's divided into an A section and a B section, where the A section reminds me of Firefly and the B section is just awesome. You may also notice that none of the recommended tracks have vocals. That's because his 1996 vocals are weird and creepy.

Next up, his 2003 album Weather Systems. I only link to it out of some sense of continuity, because I honestly don't really like any of the tracks. If I must choose a few, let them be the songs "I" and "Skin", if only to serve as some form of groundwork for his later, better stuff (you'll see).

His next album, 2005's The Mysterious Production Of Eggs is my favorite of his albums.This is because it contains the tracks "A Nervous Tic Motion Of The Head To The Left", "Fake Palindromes", "Measuring Cups", "Opposite Day", "Skin Is, My" (the sequel to "Skin"), and "MX Missiles". They're all... they're just great.

Unfortunately, his most recent album, 2007's Armchair Apocrypha, really only has one good track, nowhere near the great selection on his last album. That track is "Imitosis" and it really is one of his best. It's a musical sequel to Weather System's "I" and is the only Andrew Bird song to have its own music video. So, that's pretty good.

Other than that, the only things left to talk about are his Fingerlings albums. That's all his live stuff: Fingerlings, Fingerlings 2 and Fingerlings 3. In many cases, the live stuff is better, but in many more cases, they're worse. Try "Gotholympians", "Sweetbreads", "The Water Jet Cilice", and his live redition of "A Nervous Tic Motion Of The Head To The Left". Fingerlings 2 is a Rapidshare link, sorry. From that, I'd really only recommend "Banking On A Myth", but you have to download it all. Enjoy.

Count To Ten With Nobody

I didn't watch a lot of Sesame Street back in the 1970s, so I must have missed this gem. Had I been around, however, I'm sure I would have run screaming from the room every time I saw those rubber bands.

I Wanna Be The Guy

In the style of those 8-bit beauties you were perpetually unable to beat, an independent developer brings you "I Wanna Be The Guy", a somewhat sarcastic take on the video games of yesteryear. Implementing recycled sprites, obvious palette-change characters, and a gratuitous amount of spikes, the game reminds you of everything you loved/hated about those old NES classics. What is so noteworthy about this game, however, is not its old-school appeal. No, what truly stands out about this game is how incredibly hard it is. Not only are there the gratuitous amounts of spikes mentioned above, The Kid (your player-character) explodes into red gibs at the first brush with any arbitrary enemy. Some of the nerdier among you may have seen this video floating about in the depths of the interwebs (Warning: Totally NSFW; language), depicting an impossible Mario level and one gamer's beleaguered attempts to complete it. Well, "I Wanna Be The Guy" (IWBTG) is at least that complex and a good deal more well-made. You can read more about its history here at its homepage, as well as a download link if you're insane enough to think you can get past the first screen (It's hella hard, and I don't use the term "hella" unless I mean it). Unfortunately, it's only available for Windows machines, so Mac users have to either wait for an unlikely port or find an unused Windows box sitting around. And for those of you who are either unwilling or unable to play the game, I found a helpful YouTube vid detailing how to get past the first few dozen screens (Here there be spoilers).

The Beatles Backwards

To blatantly plagiarize from the site I found it on, "one intrepid fan dares to rank the original songs of The Beatles and give his reasons why in a worst-to-first countdown." All of the original 185 (give or take) Beatles songs are ranked and have had a helpful little paragraph written about them. It's worth checking out for any Beatles fan (or if you're not, which mean you're just not a Beatles fan yet). I'm afraid I must respectfully disagree with the low rankings of "Good Day Sunshine", "You Know My Name (Look Up The Number)", and "Her Majesty" (although he has a good reason). "Cry Baby Cry", "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds" and "I'm Only Sleeping" deserved higher rankings, while "Helter Skelter", "Taxman" and "Within You Without You" probably didn't deserve the higher ranking they got (I'm just sayin' is all). On the other hand, I agree with all of the top twenty songs (though I don't know if I would have chosen that order). I'm also glad to see "Dear Prudence", "For No One" and a personal favorite, "Yes It Is" (comparative footnotes in The Beatles' catalogue) given such high praise. Check it out here.

Bad Movies

Really, really bad movies. Also, spoilers.

Recently, in an attempt to clear off some space on my bloated hard drive, I watched some movies that I had been "meaning to get around to" for a few months. These are, of course, the movies that I didn't really want to watch, but felt obligated to anyway for some reason. This is because I spent the time to locate and download these films, so I feel that I shouldn't just delete them without ever having seen them. These movies were Babylon A.D., Resident Evil: Extinction, Death Race, Ultraviolet and Hitman. Shall we?

Babylon A.D. was... not bad. Surprisingly enough, it wasn't bad at all (comparatively). Despite being a shameless Vin Diesel vehicle, the movie has shockingly high production values and decent acting. Vin can act just fine if he doesn't open his mouth too much (he doesn't). It also helps if the dialogue he does have isn't pun-based in nature. The plot, admittedly based on a French novel and not a Vin original, is pretty good. At the very least, it keeps you guessing until the end. Which is where the whole thing falls apart. The entire film moves at a fairly decent clip with just the right amount of explosions and just the right amount of exposition to keep you watching. Then it betrays the audience it worked so hard to earn with a confusing and unsatisfactory ending (not based on the original ending, it should be noted). All in all, I give it six stars. Also, it has black market tiger clones.

Then there was Resident Evil: Extinction. Don't take me as an elitist, I'm not above a good zombie flick. I'm also not entirely opposed to films based on video games (though I should be. Anyone else see Max Payne? Man, I could do a separate post entirely on that piece of junk). But if I'm going to invest time in a movie that I was lured into with the understanding that I'd see zombie birds, I don't want them to be killed by the psychic main character in, like, thirty seconds. So, tips for improvement: more zombie crows and less plot. Because the plot that was there was ridiculous. Also, I'm offended that you thought that the audience would be won over by zombie dogs that are obviously just Rottweilers with a bad paint job. Shameful. Four stars.

I have to cut Death Race some slack. Not much, but more than it deserves. It was based on Deathrace 2000, a film produced in 1975 by the inimitable Roger Corman. For the uninformed, Roger Corman was king of the B-movie during the latter half of the 50's and most of the 60's and 70's. Perhaps the best-known of his stories is that of The Little Shop Of Horrors (not the musical; it was the film that inspired the Broadway musical of the same name), a black comedy that he filmed in three days on a budget of $30,000. According to the all-knowing Wikipedia, his most prolific period was marked in 1957, when he produced nine films. In case you don't know, both films center around the premise that at some point in the future, a gladiatorial road race would become a source of national entertainment. In the 2008 remake, the plot takes a turn for the wacky when Jason Statham is framed for his wife's murder. This is eventually revealed to be an elaborate set-up by the warden of the prison where he ends up (who run the races as a way for inmates to win their freedom), who needs a replacement driver for her star racer, Frankenstein. Frank died in his most recent race, but any driver with Frank's old hockey mask could pass for him, drawing in the pay-per-view money. It's a tenuous excuse for a plot, but that's not why people went to go see it. They went to go see a live-action version of the N64 classic Carmageddon (remember that? Yeah, you do). These people, along with the film's investors, were severely disappointed. The racing element was given far too little attention for a movie entitled Death Race, meaning a disproportional amount of film stock was wasted on Jason Statham worrying about his dead wife and baby daughter or whatever. That being said, there is a part where the race organizers introduce the Dreadnought, an enormous 18-wheeler-cum-tank. Sweet. Three stars.

Kurt Wimmer is a confusing human being. He wrote The Thomas Crown Affair and The Recruit, two seemingly average, if not better-than-average, films. He also wrote and directed Equilibrium, a film that, while being absolutely ridiculous, could also be easily called better-than-average. Then he comes along and decides to destroy all his hard-earned cred by writing and directing Ultraviolet. I could talk about the choice to use the queen of the "New B" school of film (Milla Jovovich, also star of Resident Evil: Extinction), I could talk about his decision to awkwardly shoehorn in a vampire angle, I could even talk about how the film makes no sense whatsoever, but instead I'll talk about his gratuitous use of Photoshop's Blur tool.

Honestly, the entire film is like that. Watch the following clip from the movie to see an example of the "kinda-neat-idea; poor-follow-through" feel that permeates the film. Two stars.

And that leaves us with Hitman. I should just go ahead and tell you now: this movie gets one star. That's out of ten. It's also the only movie I would recommend. This is because you cannot possibly understand the level of its suckitude from the mere written word. It is... quite possibly the worst movie I've ever seen. This is not to say that it's bad in the same way as Army Of Darkness, but it's bad in the sense that I honestly didn't have fun watching it. I didn't enjoy a single moment. Also they make a gross spelling error that I notice every time. Yeah. Every time. Can anyone explain why I've seen this three times?

I'm done.

Abney Park

So I happened to catch a glimpse at 20/20 the other day and I can't help but notice this story (Probably Not Safe For Work, but I guess that depends on where you work). Crazy. I think I have life all figured out, then I see something like this and it's essentially back to square one. But that's not the point.

Recently, I've been listening to a lot of Abney Park. I don't really like them, but I feel I should. That's because they're the world's only Steampunk band. Since their goth roots in Seattle in the Nineties, they've decided to specialize somewhat and become exclusively Steampunk. This means that their onstage personas are that of probably the best literary archetype, sky-pirates. Their airship Ophelia has been the subject of at least one song and they dress appropriately. And by appropriately, I mean like this:

Anyway, aside from "Steampunk", their music is best described as industrial dance influenced heavily by world music. This places them firmly outside my personal tastes, which is a shame. But in the event that YOU might like them, I offer their 2001 album "From Dreams Or Angels", their 2005 album "The Death Of Tragedy", and their 2008 album "Lost Horizons". Which, I guess, was released last year. Happy 2009, all.

Furniture From Weapons

After more than 30 years of civil war in Cambodia, a British artist teamed up with a small arms specialist to help deal with the thousands of weapons that were to be destroyed. The project they came up with, The Peace Art Project Cambodia, has been running since 2003 and focuses on turning the weapons into sculptures and furniture. Check out the pics here.

Merry Christmas

Back soon.

The Confession Of An American Jew

After one of my favorite regulars left Cracked, I went around looking for more content by that clown prince of crime, Wayne Gladstone. Lo, and I did find a thought-provoking article he did for The Morning News addressing "the question everyone wants to know, but nobody wants to ask: Why are Jews funny?" I must say, it's extremely well written. Anyone who is even mildly interested in the topic of American comedy should probably read this article.

And because you've come to expect more from me, have a parent directory filled with breakup songs. Because hey, you might need them someday.

I Hate Nature

I've been watching a lot of online comedy sketches, and I never get tired of these.

Also, I found Alestorm's newest album on Rapidshare (they're the Scottish Pirate Metal band, in case you forgot).

The Classics

ALRIGHT! I just finished downloading about two hundred songs from these two directories, which boast over a dozen classical artists, including Mozart, Tchaikovsky, Schubert and my personal new favorite, Hector Berlioz (Or Georg Handel, if I'm feeling whimsical and pretentious). So that's the meat of the post; enjoy. In other news, STOVOKOR!

Stovokor is a death metal band with some righteous riffs. Their lead singer goes by the stage name of "plnluH HoD" (If you know where this is going, you should probably get out more). They sing exclusively in Klingon and refuse to make appearances out of costume. Yeah. If you like that, you may also enjoy the music of Alestorm, who are so awesome I can't even bring myself to write about them.

Worst Album Covers

After a recent Cracked article, I decided to do some independent research and find some of the worst album covers I could. Luckily, the work was already done for me. FidTheKid over at RateYourMusic.com has a handy little collection of album covers that either try a little too hard, breach the understood limits of taste, or are just horrible in every conceivable way. Like, for example; I find the below to just be... bad. Just really, really bad.

And these next ones are confusing, but just ridiculous enough to work.

And these are just hilarious.

Irrational Fears

Okay, so I'd advise taking a look at TheOnlyThingToFearIsFearItself.Blogspot.com. It's an online compendium of YOUR irrational fears. You just send off a quick email and hey-hey, it's on the site. And the great thing is, it's been online all of a single day. So get cracking. You can get in on the ground floor of this new opportunity.

For those of you who enjoy reading about others' irrational fears a bit more, you could always try the site Unusual Phobias, which has a rather impressive listing. My favorite is probably the fear of being shot by a spider.

Last Time In Clerkenwell

That's some goooood stuff. Let's all thank Sayer for the link, shall we?

Al Leong

So I was watching Lethal Weapon, a movie that taught us, among other things, that you could shoot a car until it caught fire (if Gary Busey is driving, it just keeps going), white sneakers are a bold and dashing fashion accessory, and that you can just shake off a shotgun wound in seconds if you're wearing a vest. On the other end of the spectrum, it gave us such lines as "You're one psycho son of a bitch, but you're good," and the always appropriate "I'm too old for this shit". Anyway, I'm watching it and I see this fellow (the movie also teaches us that ethnic slurs are okay if the guy is evil).

I knew that I had seen him before, so I look him up. A cursory glance at his IMDb page reveals that he has been in dozens of films in the past thirty years. He's just one of those guys. However, there is a much deeper significance to his career. He's not just one of those guys, he's one of those guys that people (for some reason or another) just fall in love with. Hence the phenomenon of AlLeong.com. Seems to be a straightforward, if extensive, fansite. But no; there's a fanfic page and everything. I refuse to read it on principle, but you can be my guest and have at it. Enjoy people's weird fascinations.

P.S.: Fans of other guys known as "that guy" may enjoy Cracked's "20 Best 'That Guy's", featuring the likes of William Fichtner, Stephen Toblowsky, John Heard and my personal favorite, James Cromwell.

Above: James Cromwell, who you've seen in pretty much everything.

Liquid Sculpture

Alright, so I found this delightful little place where this one guy, Martin Waugh, takes photos of something that you probably see couple times a day and never take note of, though the magic of high-speed photography. Enjoy.

100 Greatest Guitar Solos

Disclaimer: Okay, ninety-nine.

Way back in 'ought seven, a little periodical known as Guitar World published a definitive piece called "The 100 Greatest Guitar Solos". Anyone with a passing interest in ripping solos from the Eighties will be pleasantly surprised by the selection (all chosen by Guitar World readers, no less), and will no doubt have heard many of the songs before. Here's the kicker: I found them all. Right here, man. Go ahead, drink it in. Well, almost all of them. I'll get to that later. First I'll take you on a tour of what seems to be the most face-melting of riffs; the solo. First thing apparent on a cursory glance at the list is that it contains such classics as Led Zepplin's Stairway To Heaven, Lynyrd Skynyrd's Freebird*, The Eagles' Hotel California, Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody*, Nirvana's Smells Like Teen Spirit*, Guns 'N' Roses' Sweet Child O' Mine, Metallica's Master Of Puppets*, Aerosmith's Walk This Way, Pink Floyd's Comfortably Numb, Jimi Hendrix's Voodoo Child, Chuck Berry's Johnny B. Goode, Eric Clapton's Layla*, Jimi Hendrix's Little Wing*, Dire Strait's Sultans Of Swing, The Beatles' While My Guitar Gently Weeps*, ZZ Top's Sharp Dressed Man, and Jimi Hendrix's redition of The Star Spangled Banner* (anyone wishing to get along in this society must know all of these songs at least by name, and anyone wishing to curry favor with me must know all of the starred ones by heart). So anyway, the list contains not only these beauties, but it introduced me to numerous songs and artists I would have otherwise never heard. Like for instance, the two songs I have been constitutionally incapable of NOT listening to every chance I get for the past three days; Starship Trooper by Yes and Stash by Phish. Seriously. They're awesome. Anyway, you may have noticed that there are two songs labeled #87, both Highway 61 Revisted and Cult Of Personality. In addition, there is no #98, as the one currently holding that spot is Cliffs Of Dover by Eric Johnson. It's a wonderful song, but it also happens to be #17. What actually should be #98 is "Under A Glass Moon" by Dream Theater, a song I've been unable to locate. Tough for you. That also means that one of the two #87 tracks must be a spare. Highway 61 Revisited actually doesn't belong on this list. Just as well, it's not too good. And because I went through the trouble of listening to every single one of these tracks for you, I know that the song currently filling space #99 is not, in fact, "Cause We've Ended As Lovers" by Jeff Beck (a wonderful instrumental that can actually be found here) but insead a singularly abominable track that goes by Stroke You Up by Changing Faces. I dare you to listen to it out loud and not turn down your speakers for fear that someone with musical taste will walk by. It's impossible. All in all, I can only find one flaw with this musical masterstroke, and that's the fact that they didn't include Through The Fire And The Flames by DragonForce.

P.S.: I also like Van Halen's Eruption*, Ozzy Osbourne's Mr. Crowley, Pantera's Cemetery Gates, Pearl Jam's Alive, Joe Satriani's Satch Boogie*, Nirvana's In Bloom*, Sublime's Santeria, and Smashing Pumpkins' Cherub Rock*. Enjoy.