Doomsday

Upon seeing the excremental film Doomsday, I felt it was my civic duty to write up a list of alternates to its official tagline, "The End Is Nigh."

• Doomsday: Makes no freaking sense at all.
• There are about three gimps in this film, which is three too many.
• Tact? You must be confusing me with a competent director.
• If we want to show a man being run over by a tank, that's our business.
• Vehicles can just explode whenever.
• Yeah, she has a removable robotic eyeball. We think it's a cool concept that we decided to use exactly TWICE during the first ten minutes.
• The editor called in sick. It was cool though, we got a howler monkey to do it.
• If we want to show a rabbit being shot into pieces, that's our business.
• Subtlety is for pussies.
• Rhona Mitra makes Milla Jovovich look like Meryl Streep.
• There's nudity in the first five minutes. Never a good sign.
• We're sorry.
• If we want to show a decapitated head flying into the camera, that's our business.
• Come on down and see Bob Hoskins phone it in.
• When you get a disease, just go ahead and lose control. You know, kill a security guard, cut off his hands and head, attempt to assassinate the Prime Minister. That's totally justified.
• Why is everyone in the second half of the film wearing medieval armor? You don't know, and neither do we.
• Yeah, that's a gladiator battle. Yeah, this is set in the future. What you gonna do about it?
• Cell phones can totally get reception, even though it's been fully established that there isn't any power or cell phone towers.
• All that awesome stuff in the trailer? That's about it. The rest is talking. That, and people being burned alive and eaten. For real.
• If we want to show a man being cooked and eaten by a mob of Mad Max lookalikes, that's our business.

And then comes the cannibalism. Again, totally justified.