Beard Team USA

Take a look at these photographs.

Think they're pretty awesome, do you? Many might. But people such as yourself are people who cannot read between the lines. For you see, there is something terribly wrong going on in the above pictures. Every single one of those people is European. Mostly German. Men with beards this big can only be avatars of extreme power; power that should remain safely in the hands of those who can defend it best. The soft, caressing hands... of America. So I propose that we organize a coalition of the willing, a party of strong-hearted men with little facial hair whatsoever (preferably none). Meanwhile, we do things the way we've always done it. Violence. We throw those Blofeld-esque hirsute characters a good old-fashioned American curveball by having a second party of men sneak inside. Men with hair to rival that of God himself (He's got a pretty nice beard). I call this second group... BEARD TEAM USA.

Maybe we'll win next year.

P.S.: In case you're wondering, the categories are: Natural Mustache, English Mustache, Dalí Mustache, Imperial Mustache (Handlebar), Hungarian Mustache (Wild West Sheriff style), Freestyle Mustache, Natural Goatee, Fu Manchu Mustache, Musketeer, Imperial Beard, Freestyle Sideburns, Partial Beard Freestyle, Full Beard Natural, Full Beard w/ Styled Mustache, Full Beard Garibaldi, Full Beard Verdi, and Full Beard Freestyle. This is some serious shit (You can see the top three 2007 contestants in each category here).