Jack Handey

I first stumbled across Jack Handey's words of wisdom in a New Yorker article a few years back. He was writing about various ideas for paintings that the reader was free to use, with the disclaimer "All I ask is that when you have completed a painting, as a courtesy to me you sign it 'Jack Handey and [your name or initials].' And, if the painting is sold, I get approximately all the money." Since then I hadn't heard of him, but after I found the same article last night, I decided to look him up. Apparently, he worked as a writer for Saturday Night Live, with a little gag known as "Jack Handey's Deep Thoughts". These thoughts were brief hypothetical scenarios that often invoked deep, hearty laughs with their surreality. Example:

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

Or perhaps:

Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing?

(I think I like this one the best, but you only think so after reading a whole bunch)

If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you.

You COULD buy his book here, like some common sucker, or you could read all of his Deep Thoughts free here.

Of course, his full length articles are filled with the same kind of spectacular oddity. Check them out:
My First Day In Hell
My Nature Documentary
This Is No Game*
What I'd Say To The Martians*

The starred ones are A-W-E-S-O-M-E.