Amazon Oddities

I feel really bad about that post yesterday. I was in a slump or something. So to redeem myself, I decided to stick with Amazon.com, but review some more interesting items. Sure, a $40,000 book is neat, but not as cool as the JL421 Badonkadonk Land Cruiser/Tank. Only about half as expensive as the aforementioned book, The Badonkadonk comes equipped with armor plating, room for five (either inside or on the roof), a 40-MPH engine, rubber skirting to protect the wheels up to an inch from the ground, fully carpeted interior and more. The real fun begins with the Customer Reviews, however. My favorite?

Buyer Beware: This product does not come equipped with a weapon.

What good is a tank without an attached gun? I was forced to hang my arm out the window with my index finger and thumb extended in the "Pantomime Gun" gesture while squeaking out "Pyew! Pyew!" in a shrill falsetto.

This did little to instill fear in my enemies.

Next up we have some Uranium Ore. Yes, it is legal to purchase this stuff on Amazon. According to the Nuclear Regulatory Commission, online stores can freely sell and ship low-level radioactive materials. It's usually used to test Geiger counters and the like. Once again, I find the Customer Reviews to be invaluable:

This product will not generate super powers!

My wife and I purchased this product for the expressed purpose of breeding an atomic superman. After a daily regimen of ingesting a tablespoon of this powder mixed with green tea along with her prenatal vitamins, my wife developed serious morning sickness and perished during childbirth.

After clawing his way out of my wife's dead body, young Yog-Sothoth was promptly hacked to death by a scalpel-happy OB/GYN. That's HMO care for you!

Please avoid this product if you, like us, are seeking to defy God's natural order by creating a demonic superhuman demigod.

OK, I also just found this review for Duncan Hines Yellow Cake Mix:

Disappointed

Obviously, the price is right -- so that's 1 star right there. And the convenience of super-saver delivery spares me I don't even know how many trips to Niger. That's another star.

However, try as I might, I could never get this stuff to enrich to fully weapons-grade. If it worked half as well in my ballistic missiles as it does in my research reactor, it'd be 5 stars. Maybe you'll have better luck. It's possible that my centrifuge is hinky.

Get it? Yellowcake?

Moving right along, we find our final product. It's my favorite, because it has over 900 Customer Reviews. Quite simply, it's Tuscan Whole Milk. Plain old milk, sold online. I can't find a single honest review, because I really think no one's bought it. Let's take a look at some reviews.

The Best Gift I've Ever Received

It was my birthday, and I was afraid that no one remembered, what with the hustle and bustle and comedown of the post Christmas rush. A knock at my door. I glanced through the eyehole, and there it was - sitting on the ground, a 1 gallon (128 fl oz) jug of Tuscan Whole Milk, jauntily adorned with only a silver bow. The card read "I care enough to help you prevent osteoporosis." It was unsigned. I brought the astonishing gift into my kitchen, noting the cold firmness of the plastic container as I held it to my chest. To the kind stranger so concerned for my bone health, I drank to you, glass after glass. Perhaps someday I will be able to enrich someone's life in the same way.

I beseech of thee, just read some of these wonderful reviews. Your day will be all the better for it.

Also, here are some items that were just too great to pass up.

Real live Pimpjuice.

I'm actually thinking about buying this. It's a brownie pan that ensures every piece has that chewy edge goodness. Mmmmm.

Yes, that's Fidel Castro. Yes, it's also a belt buckle.