Iron Man vs. Bruce Lee

Exactly what it sounds like. Easily the most impressive non-studio stop-motion animation I've ever seen (if that makes sense).

Saddest Thing

There have been many suggestions as to what may constitute the saddest thing. As an exercise, I asked many of my friends, and a young woman as kind-hearted as any I've met suggested that the saddest thing was a three-year-old girl with no arms, falling off a swing on a lonely hilltop. Needless to say, the game ended shortly thereafter. Clearly there was no topping her response; there was also the frightening quickness and clarity with which the answer came to her mind.

On a whim, I wondered what the internet had to say on the subject, and with the help of my friend Google, I found The Saddest Thing, an online user-generated pit of despair. Check out the Saddest Of Them All. These are the ones that were voted saddest, and they are SAD, people. Fun stuff. These are found among the much more numerous sad-but-still-sorta-funny things, like this story, or this picture:*

The brutally honest webcomic Achewood has an excellent (read: heart-shattering) suggestion to add at this point:
(click to enlarge)

I, sadly, do not have a definitive answer to offer you. Perhaps one day I'll stumble upon something so sad I instantly fall into a coma from how bummed out I'll be, and then I'll know. Until then, dear readers, I remind you that you're free to comment below with your contribution to this ongoing dialogue. I would also implore you to consider this video in your own deliberations.

*I know EXACTLY where he got that photo. This spectacular website has been a favorite of mine for a while now.

Cake Wrecks

Proving once again that the concept of a "trickster god" is not entirely without merit, the internet has managed to find enough pictures of poorly-decorated cakes to warrant an entire website. Cake Wrecks is your one-stop shop for pictures like this:

Happy Anniversity indeed. Or maybe something a little more... intentional?

Anyone who knows me well enough knows that this would be the ULTIMATE birthday cake. Just saying is all.

Text says: "We Love Freymoto Put Heart In Place Of 'Love'". Freymoto is an amalgamation of he unlucky couple-to-be's last names, by the way. Probably the most confusing thing about this is the fact that several people are presumably involved in the creation of a custom cake, and not one of them looked at this and thought anything was amiss.

I like thinking that this cake was intentional; it would have been the greatest birthday party ever. I also like to see Holly make some bold choices where most 12-year-old girls would have opted for something else on their cake (Horses? MySpace? I have no clue).

Jazz Tap

Okay, so watch this:

If YouTube is to be believed, Fred Astaire once called that the greatest example of tap dance ever caught on film. If that were so, on would have to wonder if he ever saw the dance trio Tip, Tap & Toe in the movie Pardon My Sarong:

Kutiman

First things first. If any of you see someone wearing this Sargon Ivy cap, I am telling you that it's alright to hit them as hard as you can. Here's a photo of it.

Just to be clear, that's an ivy cap with an embroidered dagger on it. The dagger is intricate and fancy, and lies broken amongst the lilies. It is meant as a tribute to Sargon, a Mesopotamian king who seems kind of sick and twisted and cruel. I mean, this is a guy who "marched to Kazallu and turned Kazallu into a ruin heap, so that there was not even a perch for a bird left." I get angry at places with stupid gimmicky town names as well, but I don't flip out and torch the place. And if I did, I wouldn't want to be memorialized on a hat whose target demographic would be purchasing them for "irony".

ANYWAY! Kutiman is a DJ, musician, producer, composer, animator, and, what the hell, artist. He's been the recipient of some fairly high praise of late, with the release of "ThruYou", an album composed entirely of remixed YouTube videos. This has garnered some minor nerdy applause, but has also revealed this Israeli musician's oeuvre to US audiences.

That's the first track off of the album, "The Mother Of All Funk Chords". If you liked it (you should have), you can watch the rest on the album's website here. Enjoy.

BeatleJazz

Being such a huge fan of both the Beatles and the entire genre of jazz, I'm actually a little shocked that I'd not heard of these guys before. BeatleJazz is a band that I have been blissfully unaware of, as they scooped up some major awards and appeared on several "Top Ten Albums Of The Year" lists. Seriously?! Usually, I'm fairly hip in the ways of music, and yet they appeared at first glance to be newcomers. But they've been around for about a decade now. Am I that pathetically oblivious, or does nobody else know these guys?

Irrespective, I found all four of their albums. I love them all, but the newer two are one that have (apparently) received huge praise. These ones were released after BeatleJazz's first two albums, "A Bite Of The Apple" and "Another Bite Of The Apple". I mention them together because they were conceptually on the same level. They were released a year apart, and are often mentioned together. By the way, you'll need a RAR expander for those files. If you don't know what that is, then GOOGLE IS YOUR FRIEND. Remember that, kiddies. Google is your friend. The password is "mbmc", if that's not immediately obvious (it took me two days to crack that nut. No joke). I can't really recommend any particular songs, because I listened to these albums all in a row without checking the track names. I would, however, point you towards "I Am The Walrus". Some excellent piano work on that part that goes, "Selmolina Pilchard climbing up the Eiffel Tower." Awesome.

Their next effort, "With A Little Help From Our Friends", was a big leap in excellence, as you can tell from the sheer number of bytes it's going to take up on your hard drive. Check it:

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3

Shazam. Three parts. That means it's three times as good. And then, you have their newest release, "All You Need". This just has two parts, but it doesn't get the above fanfare because I haven't finished downloading it yet. Enjoy.

UPDATE: Okay, I'm not the only one not in the know, because Wikipedia doesn't have a page on them, and Wikipedia has a page on EVERYTHING.

The Dresden Dolls

With the help of a friend, I have rediscovered the dark cabaret stylings of The Dresden Dolls. That's the actual name of the genre. Dark cabaret. Anyway, they've only released two albums, so I'll make this short.

2003's self-titled album features some good stuff, most notably "Good Day", "Coin-Operated Boy", and "Bad Habit".

The real treasure trove is on their second album, 2006's Yes, Virginia.... This is the album with "Sex Changes", "Backstabber", "Modern Moonlight", "My Alcoholic Friends", "Mrs. O", "Necessary Evil", "Mandy Goes To Med School", and "Sing". You may notice that I recommended well over 50% of the songs on this album. That's because this album rules. If I were you, I would just go ahead and get the entire album. You don't have any excuse, it's that good.

Back To The Future Edit

This is inexplicably funny. Stay tuned.

I Will Never Grow Tired Of This

Veggie Monster Is No More

Hey gang! Great news; evidently Cookie Monster has downplayed his pro-vegetable stance, the one adopted in 2006 after parent watchdog groups got all "concerned" about "childhood obesity". Apparently, ratings plummeted and Cookie Monster fell back off the wagon. I can find no evidence to either confirm or deny this baseless rumor, but I heard it from someone who probably wouldn't lie to me, so just trust me here.

For the past few days, I've been stuck on these parodies of the famous "I'm a Mac"/"I'm a PC" commercials. These are from the 2007 season, when Spiderman 3, Superman Returns, and Batman Begins were all relative newcomers. Enjoy.

These are all from the 2008 summer season, which saw the release of Iron Man and The Dark Knight. These skits also tend to be better in quality. If anything, watch these.

Andrew Bird

Among the numerous new artists I find every week or so, there is sometimes the occasional performer that I will keep coming back to. The ones I'll still be listening to in a year. Over the past few weeks, I've learned to love Andrew Bird. I mentioned him in passing twice before; the first time being a link to a zeusaphone playing "A Nervous Tic Motion Of The Head To The Left" (video, sadly, now removed), and the second time being a brief intro to my post on sand art. Well, now I've heard more than one song by the guy. In fact, I've heard almost all of his albums. And you can too.

His 1996 album Music Of Hair is a good deal different from the rest of his oeuvre. In it, he truly shines as a violinist (which is his whole thing). It's a slightly funky mix of bluegrassy, almost-Irish sounding melodies, which is a little off-putting. However, if you're going to put in the effort, I would recommend the tracks "Ambivalence Waltz", "Oh So Insistent", and "Ratitat/Peter's Wolf/Oblivious Reel". Especially "Oh So Insistent". It's divided into an A section and a B section, where the A section reminds me of Firefly and the B section is just awesome. You may also notice that none of the recommended tracks have vocals. That's because his 1996 vocals are weird and creepy.

Next up, his 2003 album Weather Systems. I only link to it out of some sense of continuity, because I honestly don't really like any of the tracks. If I must choose a few, let them be the songs "I" and "Skin", if only to serve as some form of groundwork for his later, better stuff (you'll see).

His next album, 2005's The Mysterious Production Of Eggs is my favorite of his albums.This is because it contains the tracks "A Nervous Tic Motion Of The Head To The Left", "Fake Palindromes", "Measuring Cups", "Opposite Day", "Skin Is, My" (the sequel to "Skin"), and "MX Missiles". They're all... they're just great.

Unfortunately, his most recent album, 2007's Armchair Apocrypha, really only has one good track, nowhere near the great selection on his last album. That track is "Imitosis" and it really is one of his best. It's a musical sequel to Weather System's "I" and is the only Andrew Bird song to have its own music video. So, that's pretty good.

Other than that, the only things left to talk about are his Fingerlings albums. That's all his live stuff: Fingerlings, Fingerlings 2 and Fingerlings 3. In many cases, the live stuff is better, but in many more cases, they're worse. Try "Gotholympians", "Sweetbreads", "The Water Jet Cilice", and his live redition of "A Nervous Tic Motion Of The Head To The Left". Fingerlings 2 is a Rapidshare link, sorry. From that, I'd really only recommend "Banking On A Myth", but you have to download it all. Enjoy.

Count To Ten With Nobody

I didn't watch a lot of Sesame Street back in the 1970s, so I must have missed this gem. Had I been around, however, I'm sure I would have run screaming from the room every time I saw those rubber bands.

I Wanna Be The Guy

In the style of those 8-bit beauties you were perpetually unable to beat, an independent developer brings you "I Wanna Be The Guy", a somewhat sarcastic take on the video games of yesteryear. Implementing recycled sprites, obvious palette-change characters, and a gratuitous amount of spikes, the game reminds you of everything you loved/hated about those old NES classics. What is so noteworthy about this game, however, is not its old-school appeal. No, what truly stands out about this game is how incredibly hard it is. Not only are there the gratuitous amounts of spikes mentioned above, The Kid (your player-character) explodes into red gibs at the first brush with any arbitrary enemy. Some of the nerdier among you may have seen this video floating about in the depths of the interwebs (Warning: Totally NSFW; language), depicting an impossible Mario level and one gamer's beleaguered attempts to complete it. Well, "I Wanna Be The Guy" (IWBTG) is at least that complex and a good deal more well-made. You can read more about its history here at its homepage, as well as a download link if you're insane enough to think you can get past the first screen (It's hella hard, and I don't use the term "hella" unless I mean it). Unfortunately, it's only available for Windows machines, so Mac users have to either wait for an unlikely port or find an unused Windows box sitting around. And for those of you who are either unwilling or unable to play the game, I found a helpful YouTube vid detailing how to get past the first few dozen screens (Here there be spoilers).

The Beatles Backwards

To blatantly plagiarize from the site I found it on, "one intrepid fan dares to rank the original songs of The Beatles and give his reasons why in a worst-to-first countdown." All of the original 185 (give or take) Beatles songs are ranked and have had a helpful little paragraph written about them. It's worth checking out for any Beatles fan (or if you're not, which mean you're just not a Beatles fan yet). I'm afraid I must respectfully disagree with the low rankings of "Good Day Sunshine", "You Know My Name (Look Up The Number)", and "Her Majesty" (although he has a good reason). "Cry Baby Cry", "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds" and "I'm Only Sleeping" deserved higher rankings, while "Helter Skelter", "Taxman" and "Within You Without You" probably didn't deserve the higher ranking they got (I'm just sayin' is all). On the other hand, I agree with all of the top twenty songs (though I don't know if I would have chosen that order). I'm also glad to see "Dear Prudence", "For No One" and a personal favorite, "Yes It Is" (comparative footnotes in The Beatles' catalogue) given such high praise. Check it out here.

Bad Movies

Really, really bad movies. Also, spoilers.

Recently, in an attempt to clear off some space on my bloated hard drive, I watched some movies that I had been "meaning to get around to" for a few months. These are, of course, the movies that I didn't really want to watch, but felt obligated to anyway for some reason. This is because I spent the time to locate and download these films, so I feel that I shouldn't just delete them without ever having seen them. These movies were Babylon A.D., Resident Evil: Extinction, Death Race, Ultraviolet and Hitman. Shall we?

Babylon A.D. was... not bad. Surprisingly enough, it wasn't bad at all (comparatively). Despite being a shameless Vin Diesel vehicle, the movie has shockingly high production values and decent acting. Vin can act just fine if he doesn't open his mouth too much (he doesn't). It also helps if the dialogue he does have isn't pun-based in nature. The plot, admittedly based on a French novel and not a Vin original, is pretty good. At the very least, it keeps you guessing until the end. Which is where the whole thing falls apart. The entire film moves at a fairly decent clip with just the right amount of explosions and just the right amount of exposition to keep you watching. Then it betrays the audience it worked so hard to earn with a confusing and unsatisfactory ending (not based on the original ending, it should be noted). All in all, I give it six stars. Also, it has black market tiger clones.

Then there was Resident Evil: Extinction. Don't take me as an elitist, I'm not above a good zombie flick. I'm also not entirely opposed to films based on video games (though I should be. Anyone else see Max Payne? Man, I could do a separate post entirely on that piece of junk). But if I'm going to invest time in a movie that I was lured into with the understanding that I'd see zombie birds, I don't want them to be killed by the psychic main character in, like, thirty seconds. So, tips for improvement: more zombie crows and less plot. Because the plot that was there was ridiculous. Also, I'm offended that you thought that the audience would be won over by zombie dogs that are obviously just Rottweilers with a bad paint job. Shameful. Four stars.

I have to cut Death Race some slack. Not much, but more than it deserves. It was based on Deathrace 2000, a film produced in 1975 by the inimitable Roger Corman. For the uninformed, Roger Corman was king of the B-movie during the latter half of the 50's and most of the 60's and 70's. Perhaps the best-known of his stories is that of The Little Shop Of Horrors (not the musical; it was the film that inspired the Broadway musical of the same name), a black comedy that he filmed in three days on a budget of $30,000. According to the all-knowing Wikipedia, his most prolific period was marked in 1957, when he produced nine films. In case you don't know, both films center around the premise that at some point in the future, a gladiatorial road race would become a source of national entertainment. In the 2008 remake, the plot takes a turn for the wacky when Jason Statham is framed for his wife's murder. This is eventually revealed to be an elaborate set-up by the warden of the prison where he ends up (who run the races as a way for inmates to win their freedom), who needs a replacement driver for her star racer, Frankenstein. Frank died in his most recent race, but any driver with Frank's old hockey mask could pass for him, drawing in the pay-per-view money. It's a tenuous excuse for a plot, but that's not why people went to go see it. They went to go see a live-action version of the N64 classic Carmageddon (remember that? Yeah, you do). These people, along with the film's investors, were severely disappointed. The racing element was given far too little attention for a movie entitled Death Race, meaning a disproportional amount of film stock was wasted on Jason Statham worrying about his dead wife and baby daughter or whatever. That being said, there is a part where the race organizers introduce the Dreadnought, an enormous 18-wheeler-cum-tank. Sweet. Three stars.

Kurt Wimmer is a confusing human being. He wrote The Thomas Crown Affair and The Recruit, two seemingly average, if not better-than-average, films. He also wrote and directed Equilibrium, a film that, while being absolutely ridiculous, could also be easily called better-than-average. Then he comes along and decides to destroy all his hard-earned cred by writing and directing Ultraviolet. I could talk about the choice to use the queen of the "New B" school of film (Milla Jovovich, also star of Resident Evil: Extinction), I could talk about his decision to awkwardly shoehorn in a vampire angle, I could even talk about how the film makes no sense whatsoever, but instead I'll talk about his gratuitous use of Photoshop's Blur tool.

Honestly, the entire film is like that. Watch the following clip from the movie to see an example of the "kinda-neat-idea; poor-follow-through" feel that permeates the film. Two stars.

And that leaves us with Hitman. I should just go ahead and tell you now: this movie gets one star. That's out of ten. It's also the only movie I would recommend. This is because you cannot possibly understand the level of its suckitude from the mere written word. It is... quite possibly the worst movie I've ever seen. This is not to say that it's bad in the same way as Army Of Darkness, but it's bad in the sense that I honestly didn't have fun watching it. I didn't enjoy a single moment. Also they make a gross spelling error that I notice every time. Yeah. Every time. Can anyone explain why I've seen this three times?

I'm done.

Abney Park

So I happened to catch a glimpse at 20/20 the other day and I can't help but notice this story (Probably Not Safe For Work, but I guess that depends on where you work). Crazy. I think I have life all figured out, then I see something like this and it's essentially back to square one. But that's not the point.

Recently, I've been listening to a lot of Abney Park. I don't really like them, but I feel I should. That's because they're the world's only Steampunk band. Since their goth roots in Seattle in the Nineties, they've decided to specialize somewhat and become exclusively Steampunk. This means that their onstage personas are that of probably the best literary archetype, sky-pirates. Their airship Ophelia has been the subject of at least one song and they dress appropriately. And by appropriately, I mean like this:

Anyway, aside from "Steampunk", their music is best described as industrial dance influenced heavily by world music. This places them firmly outside my personal tastes, which is a shame. But in the event that YOU might like them, I offer their 2001 album "From Dreams Or Angels", their 2005 album "The Death Of Tragedy", and their 2008 album "Lost Horizons". Which, I guess, was released last year. Happy 2009, all.

Furniture From Weapons

After more than 30 years of civil war in Cambodia, a British artist teamed up with a small arms specialist to help deal with the thousands of weapons that were to be destroyed. The project they came up with, The Peace Art Project Cambodia, has been running since 2003 and focuses on turning the weapons into sculptures and furniture. Check out the pics here.

Merry Christmas

Back soon.

The Confession Of An American Jew

After one of my favorite regulars left Cracked, I went around looking for more content by that clown prince of crime, Wayne Gladstone. Lo, and I did find a thought-provoking article he did for The Morning News addressing "the question everyone wants to know, but nobody wants to ask: Why are Jews funny?" I must say, it's extremely well written. Anyone who is even mildly interested in the topic of American comedy should probably read this article.

And because you've come to expect more from me, have a parent directory filled with breakup songs. Because hey, you might need them someday.

I Hate Nature

I've been watching a lot of online comedy sketches, and I never get tired of these.

Also, I found Alestorm's newest album on Rapidshare (they're the Scottish Pirate Metal band, in case you forgot).