House Of Oddio

Well, This Place Is Dead

2009-11-14T13:02:00.003+01:00

And I guess it has been for a while. All the same, I thought I should give it a proper burial.

So long, internet. It's been a good two years. And... well, I guess that's it.

History Of Visual Effects

2009-09-03T00:31:00.003+02:00

Check this out:

I don't know who put that together, but I thank them on behalf of the internet. Also, bear in mind that the technology we use in films nowadays is a relatively recent development. Given that computing power doubles every year, I see no reason we can't climb out of the Uncanny Valley within the next three or four years. (Then the tech will keep growing until we have CGI characters who look more real than you.)

Ryan

2009-08-31T22:05:00.003+02:00

This is my new favorite thing. It's a video of previously recorded interviews with Ryan Larkin, a Canadian animator who is going on the ever-expanding "My Heroes" list. Enjoy. (Watch it full-screen and high quality, if possible. You'll thank me.)

Oh, I almost forgot this; a link to "Walking", Larkin's 1968 Oscar-nominated short.

Untitled

2009-08-28T21:07:00.003+02:00

Ooh, so much. Alright, well here's a ton of stuff I couldn't flesh out into full posts:

My new favorite jazzman, Lee Morgan, comes highly recommended from this Russian forum, complete with Rapidshare links. Seriously. Just get The Sidewinder (each word is a link) and listen to the title track. If that doesn't convince you, just listen to the rest of the album. Now do you see the might of the trumpet?

TRANSLATION PARTY! Yeah! Do not ask questions, just click this.

A little site appropriately entitled HasTheLargeHadronColliderDestroyedTheEarthYet.com. You should probably check. I'll wait.

A fairly comprehensive Pixies anthology of albums. Listen to them all. If you're kinda like "maybe, I guess," then do me a favor and just listen to Surfer Rosa. It doesn't have the best Pixies songs, but it's the most consistently enjoyable album.

That is all.

Art On Acid

2009-08-19T09:11:00.013+02:00

While testing the effects of LSD in the 1950s, the US government ended up dosing a man before giving him a box full of pencils and crayons, instructing him to sketch the medical officer in the room with him. Observe and enjoy.

20 minutes after first dose: An attending doctor observes - Patient chooses to start drawing with charcoal. The subject of the experiment reports - "Condition normal... no effect from the drug yet." ____________________________________________________________________
85 minutes after first dose: The patient seems euphoric. "I can see you clearly, so clearly. This... you... it's all ... I'm having a little trouble controlling this pencil. It seems to want to keep going." ____________________________________________________________________
2 hours and thirty minutes after first dose: Patient appears very focus on the business of drawing. "Outlines seem normal, but very vivid - everything is changing colour. My hand must follow the bold sweep of the lines. I feel as if my consciousness is situated in the part of my body that's now active - my hand, my elbow... my tongue." ____________________________________________________________________
2 hours and thirty-two minutes after first dose: Patient seems gripped by his pad of paper. "I'm trying another drawing. The outlines of the model are normal, but now those of my drawing are not. The outline of my hand is going weird too. It's not a very good drawing is it? I give up - I'll try again..." ____________________________________________________________________
2 hours and thirty-five minutes after first dose: Patient follows quickly with another drawing. "I'll do a drawing in one flourish... without stopping... one line, no break!" Upon completing the drawing the patient starts laughing, then becomes startled by something on the floor. ____________________________________________________________________
2 hours and forty-five minutes after first dose: Patient tries to climb into activity box (with the crayons and pencils), and is generally agitated - responds slowly to the suggestion he might like to draw some more. He has become largely non-verbal. "I am... everything is... changed... they're calling... your face... interwoven... who is..." Patient mumbles inaudibly to a tune (sounds like "Thanks For The Memory"). He changes medium to Tempera. ____________________________________________________________________
4 hours and twenty-five minutes after first dose: Patient retreated to the bunk, spending approximately 2 hours lying, waving his hands in the air. His return to the activity box is sudden and deliberate, changing media to pen and water colour. "This will be the best drawing, Like the first one, only better. If I'm not careful I'll lose control of my movements, but I won't, because I know. I know" - (this saying is then repeated many times). Patient makes the last half-a-dozen strokes of the drawing while running back and forth across the room. ____________________________________________________________________
5 hours and forty-five minutes after first dose: Patient continues to move about the room, intersecting the space in complex variations. It's an hour and a half before he settles down to draw again - he appears over the effects of the drug. "I can feel my knees again, I think it's starting to wear off. This is a pretty good drawing - this pencil is mighty hard to hold" - (he is holding a crayon). ____________________________________________________________________
8 hours after first dose: Patient sits on bunk bed. He reports the intoxication has worn off except for the occasional distorting of our faces. We ask for a final drawing which he performs with little enthusiasm. "I have nothing to say about this last drawing, it is bad and uninteresting, I want to go home now."

Source. Directed by the wonderful Drawing On Drugs, a blog with user-submitted pictures drawn under the influence.

Emails From Crazy People

2009-08-10T21:04:00.003+02:00

First of all, read this entire blog: Stranger Than Eviction. It's only three pages long, and it's totally worth it. It chronicles the back-and-forth between a man and his criminally insane landlord (very reminiscent of the now-famous exchanges of this spectacular man). I was directed to Gabe Dunn's tragic exploits by a comparatively new website, Emails From Crazy People. It's pretty much exactly what you'd expect.

The Westphall Hypothesis

2009-07-24T18:22:00.007+02:00

Beginning its six season run in 1982, St. Elsewhere garnered little critical acclaim and virtually no viewer response as a sleepy medical drama set in a dilapidated teaching hospital in Boston. In all respects, it would have been an easily forgettable hour-drama if not for the series finale, which has become the stuff of nerdy legend. In the final episode, a main character's autistic son, Tommy Westphall, is shown staring at a snow globe with a tiny version of the teaching hospital inside. Given that the final moments of the show are completely at odds with the rest of the show's 100+ episode run, it is generally assumed that all events depicted in the show were a figment of Tommy's imagination.

In our crazy modern times, such a gimmick seems interesting, but not too outlandish. I mean, just watch more than three consecutive episodes of LOST to get what I'm talking about. But the story gets better. Some bright spark assumed that if St. Elsewhere was just the figment of a character's mind, then every crossover episode it ever had must have also occurred inside little Tommy's head. The main lynchpin of this theory rests with Homicide: Life On The Street, a crime drama produced by Tom Fontana (St. Elsewhere's creator). In more than one instance, doctors from Elsewhere appear on the show, presumably making the entire Homicide run similarly a product of Tommy's psyche. One of Homicide's main characters was a cop by the name of John Munch. Yeah. This guy:

For those not in the know, John Munch later appeared as a main character in Law & Order: Special Victims Unit. Since L&O:SVU belongs to the same universe as all of the Law & Order universes, Tommy is also responsible for one of television's longest running franchises. It doesn't stop there, either. Munch appeared in an X-Files episode, an episode of The Wire, and in an episode of The Beat (also the series finale of Arrested Development. Shit yeah). Also, let us not forget his brief stint on Sesame Street.

If your mind isn't fully and thoroughly blown yet, let me just cut to the chase. Through an extremely tenuous and unlikely series of connections, over two hundred and eighty television shows currently compose what has come to be known as the Tommyverse. Or I might have just made that name up right now. Either way, think of it. A lot of minor shows, but a vast majority of stuff you've probably seen. Stuff like Cheers; Alf; M*A*S*H; Las Vegas; Heroes; I Love Lucy; The Office (both versions); Crossing Jordan; Buffy The Vampire Slayer (therefore Angel) and Firefly; Doctor Who (all incarnations); Friends; Seinfeld; The Brady Bunch; Home Improvement; Matlock; The Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air; Boy Meets World; Gilligan's Island; King Of Queens; Malcolm In The Middle; Alias; Knight Rider; Touched By An Angel; the entire Star Trek universe; the entire Crime Scene Investigation universe; and Moesha. In the unlikely event that you still care, just check out the full map below (click to enlarge), courtesy of this site. Tommy bless you, good sir.

If you want a key to the whole thing, you'll find it here. There's something else that gets me though. As a Buffy fan, I was instantly reminded of the season six episode "Normal Again", in which it is suggested that the entire Buffy universe may be the hallucination of a troubled teenage girl (who can't really kill vampires and prevent multiple apocalypses). What could this possibly mean? Are insane Buffy and little Tommy Westphall the only "real" characters on TV? I'd say: "Sure, why not."

Bizarre Dinosaurs And Flight Hazards

2009-07-09T23:53:00.004+02:00

Let's be brief.

In the December of 2007, John Updike (who I guess is qualified to speak as a paleontologist) published an article through National Geographic entitled "Extreme Dinosaurs". Does that not pique your curiosity? Extreme Dinosaurs? Sign me up for that, please. But seriously, these real dinosaurs pose some serious questions. Like, for instance, why the hell this would be an evolutionary boon in any way:

Other than just looking cool, obviously. I think they're for courtship rituals. These dudes just turned into peacocks. Also seriously cool is the Styracosaurus. It's the one that looks like a 'roided-up triceratops. Check out the photo gallery for all of them.

In other news, I found a site that sells umbrella-concealed swords. Yeah. For real. That is all.

Afro Samurai

2009-07-08T23:42:00.006+02:00

Those of you unfamiliar with the Afro Samurai franchise, prepare to have your minds blown. There is apparently a manga series in which a man with an improbably large afro moves at impossible speeds in order to kill robot clones of themselves. This already awesome concept got a whole lot awesomer in 2007, when Afro Samurai made the leap to the screen with one of the finest anime I've had the pleasure to watch. (Bebop still wins.) The five-episode miniseries featured music composed by The Wu-Tang Clan's RZA. Yes, the RZA. Even better, the man who lent his voice to the titular* character for the English dub (which is surprisingly good) was none other than Samuel L. Jackson, which just about makes this whole thing the third most awesome thing on Earth. Obviously, the number one spot is occupied by another television show (see above), but the second spot is reserved for the Afro Samurai full length affair released earlier this year, Afro Samurai: Resurrection. The film followed the events of the anime, but with a bigger budget, tighter animation and far more resurrection than you would expect, even for a movie with the word "resurrection" in the title. But I know how hard it is to understand a visual phenom through words alone. Allow me to play you out.

*Seriously. The main character's name is "Afro Samurai". It's unfortunate.

EDIT: I just found these links. They look pretty good. Also, I think you should all know that in my YouTube page's "Videos Currently Being Watched" box, I see not one, but TWO videos claiming to have captured the ghost of Michael Jackson.

World's Ugliest Dog

2009-07-06T02:24:00.008+02:00

This year's Ugliest Dog competition is over, and a boxer named Pabst is the new champion. But there was some serious competition.

Pabst is the first one. And let's not forget my personal favorite, Squiggy:

Composed entirely while clearing my hard drive of unneeded pictures of ugly dogs.

Optical Illusion

2009-07-01T17:37:00.005+02:00

This is perhaps the most visually impressive optical illusion I have ever seen.

While it may look like alternating spirals of blue and green, you're actually looking at a spiral of one color. Go ahead and take a closer look. I pulled it up in GIMP and everything. Same color. (via Discover Magazine.)

Rufus Harley

2009-07-01T03:28:00.002+02:00

Earlier today, whilst whiling away the hours in the normal way - looking up jazz musicians and making fun of their names (dude's name is Bix) - I stumbled onto a lesser known artist who deserves some serious celebration. Rufus Harley is the world's only jazz bagpiper. No joke. While having a comparatively small catalogue of music, he has left an indelible mark on the city of Philadelphia, where he was celebrated as a cultural icon.

If you want more Rufus (and who wouldn't?) you can check out this review page. It has some radio.blog tracks on there.

Srebrenica

2009-06-26T02:10:00.002+02:00

DISCLAIMER: Not the Bosniak massacre.

It is, however, something to completely destroy any semblance of sanity you thought you might've had. As far as I can tell, Nanny Lynn's animated work of unparalleled genius was discovered in a video reproduction store. Its target audience appears to be children, but no child with a shred of self-preservation would find this entertaining in any way:

So, what do you think?

P.S.: I first found this mentioned on a site that sells DVDs of what the trash cinema elite might call "badfilm". Srebrenica comes packaged with a similarly animated pornographic short called "Rumpenstein's Monster" and a collection of out-of-context freezeframe endings from CHiPs. I'd recommend pretty much anything there.

Joker Boner

2009-06-24T02:31:00.002+02:00

No, seriously. I don't even want to explain. Just click here.

Between The Bars

2009-06-22T03:35:00.001+02:00

This is Madeleine Peyroux, a gal I strongly suggest you check out. Elliott Smith fans should be happy with the cover.

Windosill

2009-06-15T19:42:00.002+02:00

Last night, I played one of the best games I've played in several years. No, not the new Ghostbusters, although that does look awesome. The game I played was the product of indie Flash developer Vectorpark, who first piqued my interest with their release of Feed The Head. Go ahead, play it. It's one of the most surreal uses for the Flash engine I've ever seen. Besides, it's got barrel-of-monkeys levels of fun. But when I heard that Vectorpark was demanding MONEY for their new game Windosill, I was adamantly opposed. They were, however, allowing the first half of the game to be played for free. Thinking nothing of it, I decided to play the five free levels and leave it at that. About half an hour later, I was eagerly shelling out the three dollars necessary for the remainder of the game (yeah, I'm a cheapskate). It's that good.

Windosill is a masterpiece of design. The cool blues and whites that define the first levels are a common theme through the entirety of the game, and the seamless animations serve to keep the player engaged right up until the end (breathtaking). You know I don't advocate the purchase of anything, so when I say that this game is worth far more than the three bucks it costs, trust me. In the unlikely case that you don't, just try out the free levels here.

P.S.: The first few levels are pretty easy, but that doesn't mean you should just run through them. Take the time to play around with everything you can see. (For instance, try knocking over some of those letters in level two. If nothing seems immediately awesome, wait around.)

Gene Simmons' NPR Interview

2009-06-12T14:27:00.003+02:00

If you ever had any reason to think that the frontman of KISS wasn't a complete ass, allow me to change your mind. Download the MP3 of his interview here. Trust me on this, you'll want to listen to it. It's almost as good as the infamous Billy Bob Thornton interview for Q Radio:

If you cringe at episodes of The Office, watch that. He puts Michael Scott to shame.

Pictures For Sad Children

2009-06-11T20:20:00.007+02:00

Ladies and gentlemen: a new webcomic, quite possibly the most existential one yet. Pictures For Sad Children, regularly updated by John Campbell, is a disquieting look into the unblinking eye of ennui, as told through the perspectives of a heartbreakingly bleak cast of characters, including Paul Who Is A Ghost and Sara, a depressed woman suffering from an unnamed mental condition, possibly schizophrenia. It's a comic! HAHAHAHA!

That pretty much sums it up. Enjoy.

P.S.: The Sherlock Holmes trailer is... *sigh*... ballin'. Check it out.

WE'RE BAAACK (Also, Some Internet Weirdness)

2009-06-10T20:31:00.013+02:00

Hello, all. I know it's been a while, but rest assured with the knowledge that I couldn't have updated even if I'd wanted to. But all that's in the past now, and I'll get back to a semi-daily regimen once more.

Allow me to ease back into this with an easy (lazy) post: PicIsUnrelated.com. Just what it sounds like. Beautiful fodder for the insane and the bored:

My personal favorite would be a tie between Taxi Bear and a rather fly-looking Sith lord. Pink Vader is hard to beat. See you tomorrow, y'all.

A Wolf Loves Pork

2009-04-17T20:01:00.002+02:00

Is it wrong that I only notice how wasteful this is?

RiffTrax

2009-04-15T01:21:00.002+02:00

Among the detritus of late-night basic cable dreck during the Nineties, one might have stumbled across a great little program entitled "Mystery Science Theatre 3000". MST3K was a show in which a man, accompanied by his two robot friends, is periodically subjected to terrible B-movies. His torturers are incompetently evil doctors (or mothers of said doctors, in later seasons) whose motives in this endeavor are mysterious. Do they think the movies will drive this man insane? Who knows? Regardless of how A-W-E-S-O-M-E that premise sounds on it's own, any sane viewer will realize that the flimsy premise is covering for a show that allows audiences to enjoy terrible B-movies from throughout history, accompanied by the three wisecracking protagonists, who lambast the film from their seats. I mentioned them before, you know. The link includes a full episode, so if my description doesn't suffice, you can watch "Space Mutiny" to get the idea.

Anyway, that show ended over ten years ago. Fortunately for us, the genius minds behind the show continued to do what they do best. They started RiffTrax, where they sell feature-length DVD commentaries that sync up to movies people already own. The Dark Knight, The Happening, Pirates Of The Caribbean, I Am Legend, Transformers, and dozens more. It actually doesn't matter if the movie is good or bad, it just gets better when these guys get a hold of it.

Disney Animators: Lazy

2009-04-14T01:14:00.000+02:00

This speaks for itself.

Sleepwalking

2009-04-08T04:41:00.000+02:00

YES.

Crispin Glover Is God

2009-04-08T03:00:00.003+02:00

There are many ways one might describe Crispin Glover. Some would describe him as "Who?" or perhaps "That dude in Willard? I didn't see it, but he's a weird guy, so... it was probably weird." And then there's the tiniest fraction of you who are like, "Hell yeah, Crispin Glover." I am now one of the latter. And you can too. Just enjoy this:

In the event that you did NOT like the above, then I advise you leave this establishment. Because this... this is AWESOME.

The song is "Rubin & Ed," and was, of course, written and performed by Crispin himself.

Iron Man vs. Bruce Lee

2009-03-29T04:03:00.002+02:00

Exactly what it sounds like. Easily the most impressive non-studio stop-motion animation I've ever seen (if that makes sense).

Saddest Thing

2009-03-28T05:15:00.009+01:00

There have been many suggestions as to what may constitute the saddest thing. As an exercise, I asked many of my friends, and a young woman as kind-hearted as any I've met suggested that the saddest thing was a three-year-old girl with no arms, falling off a swing on a lonely hilltop. Needless to say, the game ended shortly thereafter. Clearly there was no topping her response; there was also the frightening quickness and clarity with which the answer came to her mind.

On a whim, I wondered what the internet had to say on the subject, and with the help of my friend Google, I found The Saddest Thing, an online user-generated pit of despair. Check out the Saddest Of Them All. These are the ones that were voted saddest, and they are SAD, people. Fun stuff. These are found among the much more numerous sad-but-still-sorta-funny things, like this story, or this picture:*

The brutally honest webcomic Achewood has an excellent (read: heart-shattering) suggestion to add at this point:
(click to enlarge)

I, sadly, do not have a definitive answer to offer you. Perhaps one day I'll stumble upon something so sad I instantly fall into a coma from how bummed out I'll be, and then I'll know. Until then, dear readers, I remind you that you're free to comment below with your contribution to this ongoing dialogue. I would also implore you to consider this video in your own deliberations.

*I know EXACTLY where he got that photo. This spectacular website has been a favorite of mine for a while now.

Cake Wrecks

2009-03-25T00:06:00.006+01:00

Proving once again that the concept of a "trickster god" is not entirely without merit, the internet has managed to find enough pictures of poorly-decorated cakes to warrant an entire website. Cake Wrecks is your one-stop shop for pictures like this:

Happy Anniversity indeed. Or maybe something a little more... intentional?

Anyone who knows me well enough knows that this would be the ULTIMATE birthday cake. Just saying is all.

Text says: "We Love Freymoto Put Heart In Place Of 'Love'". Freymoto is an amalgamation of he unlucky couple-to-be's last names, by the way. Probably the most confusing thing about this is the fact that several people are presumably involved in the creation of a custom cake, and not one of them looked at this and thought anything was amiss.

I like thinking that this cake was intentional; it would have been the greatest birthday party ever. I also like to see Holly make some bold choices where most 12-year-old girls would have opted for something else on their cake (Horses? MySpace? I have no clue).

Jazz Tap

2009-03-09T18:30:00.002+01:00

Okay, so watch this:

If YouTube is to be believed, Fred Astaire once called that the greatest example of tap dance ever caught on film. If that were so, on would have to wonder if he ever saw the dance trio Tip, Tap & Toe in the movie Pardon My Sarong:

Kutiman

2009-03-08T20:51:00.006+01:00

First things first. If any of you see someone wearing this Sargon Ivy cap, I am telling you that it's alright to hit them as hard as you can. Here's a photo of it.

Just to be clear, that's an ivy cap with an embroidered dagger on it. The dagger is intricate and fancy, and lies broken amongst the lilies. It is meant as a tribute to Sargon, a Mesopotamian king who seems kind of sick and twisted and cruel. I mean, this is a guy who "marched to Kazallu and turned Kazallu into a ruin heap, so that there was not even a perch for a bird left." I get angry at places with stupid gimmicky town names as well, but I don't flip out and torch the place. And if I did, I wouldn't want to be memorialized on a hat whose target demographic would be purchasing them for "irony".

ANYWAY! Kutiman is a DJ, musician, producer, composer, animator, and, what the hell, artist. He's been the recipient of some fairly high praise of late, with the release of "ThruYou", an album composed entirely of remixed YouTube videos. This has garnered some minor nerdy applause, but has also revealed this Israeli musician's oeuvre to US audiences.

That's the first track off of the album, "The Mother Of All Funk Chords". If you liked it (you should have), you can watch the rest on the album's website here. Enjoy.

BeatleJazz

2009-03-06T20:07:00.002+01:00

Being such a huge fan of both the Beatles and the entire genre of jazz, I'm actually a little shocked that I'd not heard of these guys before. BeatleJazz is a band that I have been blissfully unaware of, as they scooped up some major awards and appeared on several "Top Ten Albums Of The Year" lists. Seriously?! Usually, I'm fairly hip in the ways of music, and yet they appeared at first glance to be newcomers. But they've been around for about a decade now. Am I that pathetically oblivious, or does nobody else know these guys?

Irrespective, I found all four of their albums. I love them all, but the newer two are one that have (apparently) received huge praise. These ones were released after BeatleJazz's first two albums, "A Bite Of The Apple" and "Another Bite Of The Apple". I mention them together because they were conceptually on the same level. They were released a year apart, and are often mentioned together. By the way, you'll need a RAR expander for those files. If you don't know what that is, then GOOGLE IS YOUR FRIEND. Remember that, kiddies. Google is your friend. The password is "mbmc", if that's not immediately obvious (it took me two days to crack that nut. No joke). I can't really recommend any particular songs, because I listened to these albums all in a row without checking the track names. I would, however, point you towards "I Am The Walrus". Some excellent piano work on that part that goes, "Selmolina Pilchard climbing up the Eiffel Tower." Awesome.

Their next effort, "With A Little Help From Our Friends", was a big leap in excellence, as you can tell from the sheer number of bytes it's going to take up on your hard drive. Check it:

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3

Shazam. Three parts. That means it's three times as good. And then, you have their newest release, "All You Need". This just has two parts, but it doesn't get the above fanfare because I haven't finished downloading it yet. Enjoy.

UPDATE: Okay, I'm not the only one not in the know, because Wikipedia doesn't have a page on them, and Wikipedia has a page on EVERYTHING.

The Dresden Dolls

2009-03-04T01:10:00.002+01:00

With the help of a friend, I have rediscovered the dark cabaret stylings of The Dresden Dolls. That's the actual name of the genre. Dark cabaret. Anyway, they've only released two albums, so I'll make this short.

2003's self-titled album features some good stuff, most notably "Good Day", "Coin-Operated Boy", and "Bad Habit".

The real treasure trove is on their second album, 2006's Yes, Virginia.... This is the album with "Sex Changes", "Backstabber", "Modern Moonlight", "My Alcoholic Friends", "Mrs. O", "Necessary Evil", "Mandy Goes To Med School", and "Sing". You may notice that I recommended well over 50% of the songs on this album. That's because this album rules. If I were you, I would just go ahead and get the entire album. You don't have any excuse, it's that good.

Back To The Future Edit

2009-02-26T15:42:00.000+01:00

This is inexplicably funny. Stay tuned.

I Will Never Grow Tired Of This

2009-02-13T00:44:00.001+01:00

Veggie Monster Is No More

2009-02-07T00:50:00.002+01:00

Hey gang! Great news; evidently Cookie Monster has downplayed his pro-vegetable stance, the one adopted in 2006 after parent watchdog groups got all "concerned" about "childhood obesity". Apparently, ratings plummeted and Cookie Monster fell back off the wagon. I can find no evidence to either confirm or deny this baseless rumor, but I heard it from someone who probably wouldn't lie to me, so just trust me here.

For the past few days, I've been stuck on these parodies of the famous "I'm a Mac"/"I'm a PC" commercials. These are from the 2007 season, when Spiderman 3, Superman Returns, and Batman Begins were all relative newcomers. Enjoy.

These are all from the 2008 summer season, which saw the release of Iron Man and The Dark Knight. These skits also tend to be better in quality. If anything, watch these.

Andrew Bird

2009-01-30T13:45:00.005+01:00

Among the numerous new artists I find every week or so, there is sometimes the occasional performer that I will keep coming back to. The ones I'll still be listening to in a year. Over the past few weeks, I've learned to love Andrew Bird. I mentioned him in passing twice before; the first time being a link to a zeusaphone playing "A Nervous Tic Motion Of The Head To The Left" (video, sadly, now removed), and the second time being a brief intro to my post on sand art. Well, now I've heard more than one song by the guy. In fact, I've heard almost all of his albums. And you can too.

His 1996 album Music Of Hair is a good deal different from the rest of his oeuvre. In it, he truly shines as a violinist (which is his whole thing). It's a slightly funky mix of bluegrassy, almost-Irish sounding melodies, which is a little off-putting. However, if you're going to put in the effort, I would recommend the tracks "Ambivalence Waltz", "Oh So Insistent", and "Ratitat/Peter's Wolf/Oblivious Reel". Especially "Oh So Insistent". It's divided into an A section and a B section, where the A section reminds me of Firefly and the B section is just awesome. You may also notice that none of the recommended tracks have vocals. That's because his 1996 vocals are weird and creepy.

Next up, his 2003 album Weather Systems. I only link to it out of some sense of continuity, because I honestly don't really like any of the tracks. If I must choose a few, let them be the songs "I" and "Skin", if only to serve as some form of groundwork for his later, better stuff (you'll see).

His next album, 2005's The Mysterious Production Of Eggs is my favorite of his albums.This is because it contains the tracks "A Nervous Tic Motion Of The Head To The Left", "Fake Palindromes", "Measuring Cups", "Opposite Day", "Skin Is, My" (the sequel to "Skin"), and "MX Missiles". They're all... they're just great.

Unfortunately, his most recent album, 2007's Armchair Apocrypha, really only has one good track, nowhere near the great selection on his last album. That track is "Imitosis" and it really is one of his best. It's a musical sequel to Weather System's "I" and is the only Andrew Bird song to have its own music video. So, that's pretty good.

Other than that, the only things left to talk about are his Fingerlings albums. That's all his live stuff: Fingerlings, Fingerlings 2 and Fingerlings 3. In many cases, the live stuff is better, but in many more cases, they're worse. Try "Gotholympians", "Sweetbreads", "The Water Jet Cilice", and his live redition of "A Nervous Tic Motion Of The Head To The Left". Fingerlings 2 is a Rapidshare link, sorry. From that, I'd really only recommend "Banking On A Myth", but you have to download it all. Enjoy.

Count To Ten With Nobody

2009-01-29T17:10:00.003+01:00

I didn't watch a lot of Sesame Street back in the 1970s, so I must have missed this gem. Had I been around, however, I'm sure I would have run screaming from the room every time I saw those rubber bands.

I Wanna Be The Guy

2009-01-25T18:10:00.002+01:00

In the style of those 8-bit beauties you were perpetually unable to beat, an independent developer brings you "I Wanna Be The Guy", a somewhat sarcastic take on the video games of yesteryear. Implementing recycled sprites, obvious palette-change characters, and a gratuitous amount of spikes, the game reminds you of everything you loved/hated about those old NES classics. What is so noteworthy about this game, however, is not its old-school appeal. No, what truly stands out about this game is how incredibly hard it is. Not only are there the gratuitous amounts of spikes mentioned above, The Kid (your player-character) explodes into red gibs at the first brush with any arbitrary enemy. Some of the nerdier among you may have seen this video floating about in the depths of the interwebs (Warning: Totally NSFW; language), depicting an impossible Mario level and one gamer's beleaguered attempts to complete it. Well, "I Wanna Be The Guy" (IWBTG) is at least that complex and a good deal more well-made. You can read more about its history here at its homepage, as well as a download link if you're insane enough to think you can get past the first screen (It's hella hard, and I don't use the term "hella" unless I mean it). Unfortunately, it's only available for Windows machines, so Mac users have to either wait for an unlikely port or find an unused Windows box sitting around. And for those of you who are either unwilling or unable to play the game, I found a helpful YouTube vid detailing how to get past the first few dozen screens (Here there be spoilers).

The Beatles Backwards

2009-01-20T13:25:00.003+01:00

To blatantly plagiarize from the site I found it on, "one intrepid fan dares to rank the original songs of The Beatles and give his reasons why in a worst-to-first countdown." All of the original 185 (give or take) Beatles songs are ranked and have had a helpful little paragraph written about them. It's worth checking out for any Beatles fan (or if you're not, which mean you're just not a Beatles fan yet). I'm afraid I must respectfully disagree with the low rankings of "Good Day Sunshine", "You Know My Name (Look Up The Number)", and "Her Majesty" (although he has a good reason). "Cry Baby Cry", "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds" and "I'm Only Sleeping" deserved higher rankings, while "Helter Skelter", "Taxman" and "Within You Without You" probably didn't deserve the higher ranking they got (I'm just sayin' is all). On the other hand, I agree with all of the top twenty songs (though I don't know if I would have chosen that order). I'm also glad to see "Dear Prudence", "For No One" and a personal favorite, "Yes It Is" (comparative footnotes in The Beatles' catalogue) given such high praise. Check it out here.

Bad Movies

2009-01-15T13:28:00.008+01:00

Really, really bad movies. Also, spoilers.

Recently, in an attempt to clear off some space on my bloated hard drive, I watched some movies that I had been "meaning to get around to" for a few months. These are, of course, the movies that I didn't really want to watch, but felt obligated to anyway for some reason. This is because I spent the time to locate and download these films, so I feel that I shouldn't just delete them without ever having seen them. These movies were Babylon A.D., Resident Evil: Extinction, Death Race, Ultraviolet and Hitman. Shall we?

Babylon A.D. was... not bad. Surprisingly enough, it wasn't bad at all (comparatively). Despite being a shameless Vin Diesel vehicle, the movie has shockingly high production values and decent acting. Vin can act just fine if he doesn't open his mouth too much (he doesn't). It also helps if the dialogue he does have isn't pun-based in nature. The plot, admittedly based on a French novel and not a Vin original, is pretty good. At the very least, it keeps you guessing until the end. Which is where the whole thing falls apart. The entire film moves at a fairly decent clip with just the right amount of explosions and just the right amount of exposition to keep you watching. Then it betrays the audience it worked so hard to earn with a confusing and unsatisfactory ending (not based on the original ending, it should be noted). All in all, I give it six stars. Also, it has black market tiger clones.

Then there was Resident Evil: Extinction. Don't take me as an elitist, I'm not above a good zombie flick. I'm also not entirely opposed to films based on video games (though I should be. Anyone else see Max Payne? Man, I could do a separate post entirely on that piece of junk). But if I'm going to invest time in a movie that I was lured into with the understanding that I'd see zombie birds, I don't want them to be killed by the psychic main character in, like, thirty seconds. So, tips for improvement: more zombie crows and less plot. Because the plot that was there was ridiculous. Also, I'm offended that you thought that the audience would be won over by zombie dogs that are obviously just Rottweilers with a bad paint job. Shameful. Four stars.

I have to cut Death Race some slack. Not much, but more than it deserves. It was based on Deathrace 2000, a film produced in 1975 by the inimitable Roger Corman. For the uninformed, Roger Corman was king of the B-movie during the latter half of the 50's and most of the 60's and 70's. Perhaps the best-known of his stories is that of The Little Shop Of Horrors (not the musical; it was the film that inspired the Broadway musical of the same name), a black comedy that he filmed in three days on a budget of $30,000. According to the all-knowing Wikipedia, his most prolific period was marked in 1957, when he produced nine films. In case you don't know, both films center around the premise that at some point in the future, a gladiatorial road race would become a source of national entertainment. In the 2008 remake, the plot takes a turn for the wacky when Jason Statham is framed for his wife's murder. This is eventually revealed to be an elaborate set-up by the warden of the prison where he ends up (who run the races as a way for inmates to win their freedom), who needs a replacement driver for her star racer, Frankenstein. Frank died in his most recent race, but any driver with Frank's old hockey mask could pass for him, drawing in the pay-per-view money. It's a tenuous excuse for a plot, but that's not why people went to go see it. They went to go see a live-action version of the N64 classic Carmageddon (remember that? Yeah, you do). These people, along with the film's investors, were severely disappointed. The racing element was given far too little attention for a movie entitled Death Race, meaning a disproportional amount of film stock was wasted on Jason Statham worrying about his dead wife and baby daughter or whatever. That being said, there is a part where the race organizers introduce the Dreadnought, an enormous 18-wheeler-cum-tank. Sweet. Three stars.

Kurt Wimmer is a confusing human being. He wrote The Thomas Crown Affair and The Recruit, two seemingly average, if not better-than-average, films. He also wrote and directed Equilibrium, a film that, while being absolutely ridiculous, could also be easily called better-than-average. Then he comes along and decides to destroy all his hard-earned cred by writing and directing Ultraviolet. I could talk about the choice to use the queen of the "New B" school of film (Milla Jovovich, also star of Resident Evil: Extinction), I could talk about his decision to awkwardly shoehorn in a vampire angle, I could even talk about how the film makes no sense whatsoever, but instead I'll talk about his gratuitous use of Photoshop's Blur tool.

Honestly, the entire film is like that. Watch the following clip from the movie to see an example of the "kinda-neat-idea; poor-follow-through" feel that permeates the film. Two stars.

And that leaves us with Hitman. I should just go ahead and tell you now: this movie gets one star. That's out of ten. It's also the only movie I would recommend. This is because you cannot possibly understand the level of its suckitude from the mere written word. It is... quite possibly the worst movie I've ever seen. This is not to say that it's bad in the same way as Army Of Darkness, but it's bad in the sense that I honestly didn't have fun watching it. I didn't enjoy a single moment. Also they make a gross spelling error that I notice every time. Yeah. Every time. Can anyone explain why I've seen this three times?

I'm done.

Abney Park

2009-01-06T08:57:00.003+01:00

So I happened to catch a glimpse at 20/20 the other day and I can't help but notice this story (Probably Not Safe For Work, but I guess that depends on where you work). Crazy. I think I have life all figured out, then I see something like this and it's essentially back to square one. But that's not the point.

Recently, I've been listening to a lot of Abney Park. I don't really like them, but I feel I should. That's because they're the world's only Steampunk band. Since their goth roots in Seattle in the Nineties, they've decided to specialize somewhat and become exclusively Steampunk. This means that their onstage personas are that of probably the best literary archetype, sky-pirates. Their airship Ophelia has been the subject of at least one song and they dress appropriately. And by appropriately, I mean like this:

Anyway, aside from "Steampunk", their music is best described as industrial dance influenced heavily by world music. This places them firmly outside my personal tastes, which is a shame. But in the event that YOU might like them, I offer their 2001 album "From Dreams Or Angels", their 2005 album "The Death Of Tragedy", and their 2008 album "Lost Horizons". Which, I guess, was released last year. Happy 2009, all.

Furniture From Weapons

2008-12-31T11:21:00.003+01:00

After more than 30 years of civil war in Cambodia, a British artist teamed up with a small arms specialist to help deal with the thousands of weapons that were to be destroyed. The project they came up with, The Peace Art Project Cambodia, has been running since 2003 and focuses on turning the weapons into sculptures and furniture. Check out the pics here.

Merry Christmas

2008-12-25T23:04:00.001+01:00

Back soon.

The Confession Of An American Jew

2008-12-21T15:36:00.002+01:00

After one of my favorite regulars left Cracked, I went around looking for more content by that clown prince of crime, Wayne Gladstone. Lo, and I did find a thought-provoking article he did for The Morning News addressing "the question everyone wants to know, but nobody wants to ask: Why are Jews funny?" I must say, it's extremely well written. Anyone who is even mildly interested in the topic of American comedy should probably read this article.

And because you've come to expect more from me, have a parent directory filled with breakup songs. Because hey, you might need them someday.

I Hate Nature

2008-12-17T14:49:00.003+01:00

I've been watching a lot of online comedy sketches, and I never get tired of these.

Also, I found Alestorm's newest album on Rapidshare (they're the Scottish Pirate Metal band, in case you forgot).

The Classics

2008-12-12T21:32:00.005+01:00

ALRIGHT! I just finished downloading about two hundred songs from these two directories, which boast over a dozen classical artists, including Mozart, Tchaikovsky, Schubert and my personal new favorite, Hector Berlioz (Or Georg Handel, if I'm feeling whimsical and pretentious). So that's the meat of the post; enjoy. In other news, STOVOKOR!

Stovokor is a death metal band with some righteous riffs. Their lead singer goes by the stage name of "plnluH HoD" (If you know where this is going, you should probably get out more). They sing exclusively in Klingon and refuse to make appearances out of costume. Yeah. If you like that, you may also enjoy the music of Alestorm, who are so awesome I can't even bring myself to write about them.

Worst Album Covers

2008-12-10T18:57:00.013+01:00

After a recent Cracked article, I decided to do some independent research and find some of the worst album covers I could. Luckily, the work was already done for me. FidTheKid over at RateYourMusic.com has a handy little collection of album covers that either try a little too hard, breach the understood limits of taste, or are just horrible in every conceivable way. Like, for example; I find the below to just be... bad. Just really, really bad.

And these next ones are confusing, but just ridiculous enough to work.

And these are just hilarious.

Irrational Fears

2008-12-06T01:52:00.002+01:00

Okay, so I'd advise taking a look at TheOnlyThingToFearIsFearItself.Blogspot.com. It's an online compendium of YOUR irrational fears. You just send off a quick email and hey-hey, it's on the site. And the great thing is, it's been online all of a single day. So get cracking. You can get in on the ground floor of this new opportunity.

For those of you who enjoy reading about others' irrational fears a bit more, you could always try the site Unusual Phobias, which has a rather impressive listing. My favorite is probably the fear of being shot by a spider.

Last Time In Clerkenwell

2008-12-04T14:51:00.004+01:00

That's some goooood stuff. Let's all thank Sayer for the link, shall we?

Al Leong

2008-12-01T15:03:00.004+01:00

So I was watching Lethal Weapon, a movie that taught us, among other things, that you could shoot a car until it caught fire (if Gary Busey is driving, it just keeps going), white sneakers are a bold and dashing fashion accessory, and that you can just shake off a shotgun wound in seconds if you're wearing a vest. On the other end of the spectrum, it gave us such lines as "You're one psycho son of a bitch, but you're good," and the always appropriate "I'm too old for this shit". Anyway, I'm watching it and I see this fellow (the movie also teaches us that ethnic slurs are okay if the guy is evil).

I knew that I had seen him before, so I look him up. A cursory glance at his IMDb page reveals that he has been in dozens of films in the past thirty years. He's just one of those guys. However, there is a much deeper significance to his career. He's not just one of those guys, he's one of those guys that people (for some reason or another) just fall in love with. Hence the phenomenon of AlLeong.com. Seems to be a straightforward, if extensive, fansite. But no; there's a fanfic page and everything. I refuse to read it on principle, but you can be my guest and have at it. Enjoy people's weird fascinations.

P.S.: Fans of other guys known as "that guy" may enjoy Cracked's "20 Best 'That Guy's", featuring the likes of William Fichtner, Stephen Toblowsky, John Heard and my personal favorite, James Cromwell.

Above: James Cromwell, who you've seen in pretty much everything.

Liquid Sculpture

2008-11-26T00:26:00.013+01:00

Alright, so I found this delightful little place where this one guy, Martin Waugh, takes photos of something that you probably see couple times a day and never take note of, though the magic of high-speed photography. Enjoy.

100 Greatest Guitar Solos

2008-11-21T14:52:00.003+01:00

Disclaimer: Okay, ninety-nine.

Way back in 'ought seven, a little periodical known as Guitar World published a definitive piece called "The 100 Greatest Guitar Solos". Anyone with a passing interest in ripping solos from the Eighties will be pleasantly surprised by the selection (all chosen by Guitar World readers, no less), and will no doubt have heard many of the songs before. Here's the kicker: I found them all. Right here, man. Go ahead, drink it in. Well, almost all of them. I'll get to that later. First I'll take you on a tour of what seems to be the most face-melting of riffs; the solo. First thing apparent on a cursory glance at the list is that it contains such classics as Led Zepplin's Stairway To Heaven, Lynyrd Skynyrd's Freebird*, The Eagles' Hotel California, Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody*, Nirvana's Smells Like Teen Spirit*, Guns 'N' Roses' Sweet Child O' Mine, Metallica's Master Of Puppets*, Aerosmith's Walk This Way, Pink Floyd's Comfortably Numb, Jimi Hendrix's Voodoo Child, Chuck Berry's Johnny B. Goode, Eric Clapton's Layla*, Jimi Hendrix's Little Wing*, Dire Strait's Sultans Of Swing, The Beatles' While My Guitar Gently Weeps*, ZZ Top's Sharp Dressed Man, and Jimi Hendrix's redition of The Star Spangled Banner* (anyone wishing to get along in this society must know all of these songs at least by name, and anyone wishing to curry favor with me must know all of the starred ones by heart). So anyway, the list contains not only these beauties, but it introduced me to numerous songs and artists I would have otherwise never heard. Like for instance, the two songs I have been constitutionally incapable of NOT listening to every chance I get for the past three days; Starship Trooper by Yes and Stash by Phish. Seriously. They're awesome. Anyway, you may have noticed that there are two songs labeled #87, both Highway 61 Revisted and Cult Of Personality. In addition, there is no #98, as the one currently holding that spot is Cliffs Of Dover by Eric Johnson. It's a wonderful song, but it also happens to be #17. What actually should be #98 is "Under A Glass Moon" by Dream Theater, a song I've been unable to locate. Tough for you. That also means that one of the two #87 tracks must be a spare. Highway 61 Revisited actually doesn't belong on this list. Just as well, it's not too good. And because I went through the trouble of listening to every single one of these tracks for you, I know that the song currently filling space #99 is not, in fact, "Cause We've Ended As Lovers" by Jeff Beck (a wonderful instrumental that can actually be found here) but insead a singularly abominable track that goes by Stroke You Up by Changing Faces. I dare you to listen to it out loud and not turn down your speakers for fear that someone with musical taste will walk by. It's impossible. All in all, I can only find one flaw with this musical masterstroke, and that's the fact that they didn't include Through The Fire And The Flames by DragonForce.

P.S.: I also like Van Halen's Eruption*, Ozzy Osbourne's Mr. Crowley, Pantera's Cemetery Gates, Pearl Jam's Alive, Joe Satriani's Satch Boogie*, Nirvana's In Bloom*, Sublime's Santeria, and Smashing Pumpkins' Cherub Rock*. Enjoy.

Soundtracks

2008-11-17T18:02:00.002+01:00

Hey, y'all. Sorry I've been tardy. Writing papers and whatnot. To tide you over until the next big post (probably by next Monday), take a smattering of Original Soundtracks (I'd recommend the Pirates Of The Caribbean OST) and a picture of a bear riding a horse. That's what you guys like, right?

TIME's Best Inventions Of 2008

2008-11-13T01:53:00.003+01:00

Well, it's almost here. The end of 2008. In the coming months, we have many things to look forward to, primary among these the inevitable "Best Of 2008" lists from almost every single media facet on Earth. Kicking it off in style was TIME Magazine, with their annual "Best Inventions" list (to be honest, last year's list was, like, a billion times better). I'm here to be your guide to what some editors somewhere determined to be the top breakthroughs of the year. In the number one slot, we have The Retail DNA Test, as deserving an invention as any. The $400 home package presents itself as a saliva test that can apparently determine your predispositions to disease and genetic aberrations to a fairly accurate degree. The inventor of the test (pregnant at time of press) trusts the analysis enough to tell TIME that her unborn son has about a 50% chance of developing Parkinson's Disease. The reason that the test is so controversial is the unexpected avenues that it may open up. If the test becomes common practice, thousands will be unable to secure health insurance, as many companies would be able to instantly determine your predisposition towards costly illnesses. Why would they insure you if they know that they'll end up paying for a tumor to be removed? The article goes into this with a bit more depth, check it out. The remaining 49 inventions on the list range from the innovative to the downright wacky, often times causing me to go "Best invention? More like worst invention." (I was sleepy, cut me some slack). I think they just got lazy after doing so much work on the number one spot. That's the only reason I can come up with to explain the presence of three electric cars (four if you include the futuristic MonoTracer), which are apparently not just for gay people anymore. If TIME Magazine is to be believed, they're making a comeback.

The list also has the baffling inclusion of the following: a creepy-ass robot (not to be confused with the creepy ass-robot), the new Mars rover, Obama's campaign, the camera work that made Speed Racer possible, that invisibility cloak they've been working on for over a decade now (nice photo, guys), the newest prime number, a "new" ping-pong serve, instant replay for umpires (as if baseball didn't go on long enough already), and easily the weirdest inclusion on this list, a piece of pretentious art.

Among the cooler things on there, we can find The Doomsday Seed Vault (when I was doing research for this, I stumbled across the phrase "biopiracy". Much cooler-sounding than it is), the Memristor (trust me, it's cool), the Synthetic Organism, bionic contact lenses, cheap solar panels, cement that cleans the air while it just sits there, and a new way to eat food. Honorable mention goes to Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog, just because I believe in my geeky, geeky heart that Joss Whedon is a god. There are a bunch more, but these are the ones that stick out, so go ahead and read the rest if you want. That's about it, except for this freaking awesome John Coltrane rendition of "My Favorite Things" from The Sound of Music. Righteous.

Copper

2008-11-09T15:48:00.002+01:00

It's always a shame when a good thing comes to an end. In the case of serials (webcomics, podcasts) that can only be found online, it gets even worse. People have "other projects" and will occasionally just stop posting new stuff. In this particular case, I don't mind too much, as the man is still creating new comics. I just have to pay for them. The comic in question is Copper, the creation of Kazu Kibuishi. While he hasn't updated Copper in about a year (with one recent exception), the man's been releasing graphic novels and contributing to the exceptional comic art anthology Flight (I know for a fact that his art's been in Volumes One and Two, but the newer stuff might not have him). He's also released a solo graphic novel, Daisy Kutter. She's essentially a female Clint Eastwood set in some whacked out future Wild West (buy it). But before all that, he started out with that little webcomic. It's still one of my favorites. Try out this one. And this one, selected solely for the last panel's sadly pathetic snail. Enjoy that while listening to The Ghost At Number One by Jellyfish.

Brains Are CRAAAAAZY

2008-11-05T19:19:00.003+01:00

In the rare cases of extremely severe epilepsy, a surgery may be considered to alleviate the pain. This procedure involves severing the corpus callosum, an area of the brain allowing cross-hemisphere communication. A side effect of this is best described in the form of an experiment. A woman with a severed corpus callosum was told to focus on the center of a monitor where images would briefly flash. She was then asked to identify these images. If the images appeared to the right of the screen, she was able to identify them with no problem. This is because images on the right were registered in the left hemisphere of her brain (where speech centers are). Therefore she was able to say aloud "cat", "dog" or "sailboat" depending on what images were shown to her. But when images were flashed on the left side of the screen, she was unable to vocalize what it was she had seen. The right side of her brain was unable to communicate to the left side what it was she was seeing, so her speech centers couldn't verbalize anything. Here's where it gets AWESOME. When asked to write down what it was she had seen, she couldn't, because she was right-handed. The right hand is controlled by the left hemisphere, and since the left hemisphere still had no information, the right hand could not write down the image. When she picked up the pen in her left hand, she was able to write it down with no problem. Brains Are CRAAAAAZY.

Dub Incorporation

2008-11-04T01:00:00.004+01:00

While I normally don't much care for reggae, a new phenom has been sweeping my iPod for the past several hours, and you deserve to hear about them. Dub Incorporation is a French outfit that has been mixing it up hardstyle since 1997. And I was lucky enough to find their first album, Diversité. All you have to do is listen to it. Try out the first track, My Freestyle. It's my favorite.

Also, I'm getting back into advertisements. Stay tuned.

Mirror Blocks

2008-10-30T19:10:00.003+01:00

I'm a big fan of nostalgia, which is why every couple weeks I tend to remember something I haven't even heard about in years, wonder if it was as good as I remember it being, find it, reminisce for a bit, blog about it and put it away to remember again in five years. Because of this, I burn through the better pieces of my childhood faster than I can create new ones. By the time I hit fifty, I'll just be reflecting on the good old days non-stop, with no chance for social interaction or food. I plan to die watching The Last Crusade on repeat. Anyway, one thing I really miss? Toys. You hit a certain age and all of a sudden you just can't justify spending ten dollars on a piece of plastic anymore. You start buying stuff like music and movies, or, God forbid, you start saving money for your toyless future and before you know it, you've left all your Transformers behind to get all dusty and whatnot. But all that changed when I saw Rubik's new puzzle.

It makes me want to go spend some money on a piece of plastic that I'll get frustrated with in twenty minutes and end up giving away as a birthday present. Unfortunately, it's currently only available in Japan (of course), so you'll have to buy it from here unless you want to wait until it ships internationally, causing US minds to implode.

McSweeney's Internet Tendencies: More Lists

2008-10-30T00:57:00.003+01:00

Here's part one. Alrighty then, I'll just jump right in here. There have been some updates since last year's post. Notable among them are:

Umm. I guess that's about it. Here, have some highlights from the World Juggling Federation's 04-05 season, set to a fairly decent and sadly unfindable (I guess you'll just have to buy it, you cheapskates) Fatboy Slim song, That Old Pair Of Jeans.

Badass Of The Week

2008-10-29T00:47:00.002+01:00

For those of you not familiar with the Society for Creative Anachronism, or SCA, you'll need some background. Essentially, the SCA is the organization who popularized the concept of the "living history" Renaissance Faire in modern culture. While being popular for re-creating the Middle Ages "as they ought to have been", many facets of the organization attempt to be as accurate as possible in its re-creation. While the hierarchical layout of the SCA is fairly in-depth and authentic, the cool part is really the knights. Yeah, there are knights who can apparently win tournaments to become kings of their respective kingdoms, which spread over the North American continent (I live in the Kingdom of Atlantia). At least this is how I understand it. There's a lot of material, and I'm not invested deeply enough to read all of the rules.

Any-old-way; way back in the day, one of the first female knights in the SCA was walking home from an event taking place in The East Kingdom (NYC). Along the way, she was apparently mugged by a man who pulled a knife on her, claiming that he had "six inches of steel" that said she'd give up her money. Drawing her sword, she quips "I'll see your six and raise you thirty-five."

There's no denying that the above is a kickass story (regardless of its validity; I can't find more than one source on this). In this woman's honor, I present the newest bookmark on my toolbar, Badass Of The Week. Which is pretty much exactly what it sounds like. My choices are Egil Skallagrimsson (poet and Viking. VIKING), Australia, the Hanta Virus, and my favorite: Molly the Cow. Also, the site is totally NSFW for language.

Have a spectacular day.

The Milk-Eyed Mender

2008-10-26T19:46:00.002+01:00

Welcome back! I suddenly found myself without internet on Wednesday, but the universe provides. Well, it's time for some more free albums, you gangrenous dogs. Today, I found the folk harpist Joanna Newsom; with her 2004 debut album "The Milk-Eyed Mender". While her voice (self-described as "untrainable") will sometimes hit the occasional off-note, the entire piece taken as a whole is some of the most poignant music this side of John Tesh. Not that I'm saying she's anything like John Tesh, of course. She's actually enjoyable. To start with, I would recommend the track "The Sprout And The Bean".

Weasel Words

2008-10-21T22:51:00.005+02:00

You know those Bathroom Readers? Those things are handy. Not too long ago, I read an article in one detailing the prevalent use of "weasel words" in advertising. Weasel words are phrases that carefully use language to force the viewer's mind into a particular conclusion when in fact, they said nothing of the sort. A good example is the common usage of "better" or "best" in application to parity products, products which are essentially the same. Soap, fruit juice, cigarettes and soda are all parity products, so legally, any corporation can say "Jones Cola is the best" and be completely correct, since all they are saying is that Jones Cola is pretty much the same as Coke or Pepsi (honestly though, Jones Cola is straight-up delicious). Interestingly, they cannot say "Jones Cola is better than Brand X". Why? In a world where "best" means "the same as", the term "better" means "best". Another cool little technique is the "weasel claim", where a weasel word is slipped surreptitiously into a claim so as to basically negate the actual claim. An example is "fights plaque buildup and bad breath." Well, yeah. Rinsing your mouth out with water will help fight plaque buildup. I don't want to spend ten dollars on a bottle of mouthwash that just fights plaque buildup. I want something that will stop plaque buildup. Of course, that would constitute a guarantee, and thus open the floodgates for thousands of frivolous lawsuits (a recent poll shows that Americans consider this to be the best kind of lawsuit). Another claim is one that makes you scratch your head and go "And... what?" It leaves you hanging with claims that are true but do not necessarily constitute a better product. An example is "Kellogg's Corn Flakes, now with twice as much fiber." Sure, there's more fiber, but there no real reason that more fiber equals a better product. Related to this is the technique of using a "scientific" or "statistical" claim to sell the product. Fans of Jerry Seinfeld may recall his riff on cough medicine "now with an extra drop of Retsyn." What is this magical Retsyn and why should we be happy that we're getting more of it?

Anyway, I decided to track down this article, and I have! And at no extra cost to you, I located a related article that examines weasel words and other word phenoms that both advertisements and average people use in everyday speech to trip you up. My favorite is the "complex question", which goes something like this: "Are you still killing small animals for fun?" Now, if you answer yes, you've obviously just admitted to killing small animals for fun. Shame on you. However, if you're a sane, non-sociopathic human being, you'll say something along the lines of "No! Dear God, no!" and I'll say "Oh. When did you stop?" You see, the above question is actually two questions, "Have you killed small animals for fun," and "If so, are you still doing so?" There is no logical way to answer this question except not to respond, which makes it look like you're answering yes. Tricky.

Also, I just saw watched Brick. It's good. Watch it. 8/10.

The Great British Shin-Kicking Competition 2008

2008-10-21T02:22:00.002+02:00

Can you believe that Judy Blume is 70? Holy crap!

And sure, listen to some Aerosmith song called "Pink". It's pretty good, but I'm too burned out to care. See you guys tomorrow.

Life In Color

2008-10-17T19:55:00.009+02:00

I've remarked on the top-notch National Geographic photos before, but I found a neat little feature they've been doing that deserves its own mention. The Life In Color series illustrates the chromatic diversity of the world. Here we go.

Woo! If you want to see the full range of awesomeness on these photos, here you go: Red, Orange, Yellow, Green, Blue, Purple, and Brown.

In other news, what's up with those tricky-as-hell-to-open plastic packages that expensive electronic things come in? You know the kind I'm talking about. You need some seriously sharp scissors to open them, and all it takes is one slip of the hand to accidentally cut a vital wire (I almost learned this the hard way about ten minutes ago). It does not seem like an efficient packaging standard. And here's the kicker: scissors come in these things. What if you don't have any secondary scissors? It's a total Catch-22. The company that packages stuff and the scissor companies are TOTALLY in cahoots. It just makes me SO IRRATIONALLY MAD. Also, Fall Break! Woo!

The Last Question

2008-10-17T00:52:00.002+02:00

I'm not really a big fan of Isaac Asimov. I'm familiar with his works, but I only really enjoyed I, Robot and the first Foundation novel. Everything else is alright, except for his short story The Last Question. This is a story that's... superlative. It is simply unparalleled in all of fiction. THAT'S how good it is. Just... just read it.

Nightmare World

2008-10-15T21:12:00.002+02:00

Just in time for Hallowe'en, or "The Crawling Never-Night" as the locals call it (I live around some CREEEPY people), I present some short online comics of the distinctly eerie variety, courtesy of Golden Goat Studio's Nightmare World. Published by Mind Over Matter comics, Nightmare World is a series of comics that will apparently all fit together to make one giant, creepy tale of Lovecraftian redemption. But here's the weird (scary?) part. There are two websites that boast different sets of comics. And yet, where some comics do overlap, the writing is identical, but the art is different. Curiouser and curiouser. So while this seems like the official website, this one over here is organized better and has darker art. It also has the benefit of having my favorite story; "While You Sleep I Destroy Your World", a tale of Victorian-era sabotage (of sorts).

While you're reading that, take a listen to the classical track "Danse Macabre", my current favorite song written specifically to conjure the image of a macabre dance of some kind. I like imagining the ghosts of noblemen and their ladies waltzing in a giant abandoned ballroom.

In other news, I totally forgot I had a counter to track how many people are coming here (it's at the bottom of the page). Trends reveal that most people visit on Wednesdays. I don't know why that is, but I'll accept your patronage any day. Also, the number one post I've ever done is that thing on Knuckle Tattoos back in February. Seriously, it gets hit four and a half times as much as the front page you're looking at right now (unless you're looking at the archives. Hi, future visitors!). Can't say why, unless someone out there is linking here. In which case, thank you.

Daisy Owl

2008-10-14T04:02:00.005+02:00

Hey, remember when you were little and you would buy "No-Tears" shampoo? So if you were to wash your hair and rinse it so that the suds run down into your face, it doesn't sting your delicate eyeballs? Well, my question is, why don't they make ALL shampoo tear-free? Since the technology exists, why don't they use it for consumer demographics over the age of five? It would prevent a lot of painful experiences. If, for instance, you were to, in a sleepy stupor, accidentally squirt an entire handful of Head and Shoulders directly into your eye this morning (causing you to wish you could just dig your eye out to stop the pain (a technique known as the Oedipus Maneuver)), the average person's thought process would run like so: "Oh sweet bearded Moses this hurts why hasn't someone made some kind of shampoo that doesn't burn like Hades itself when applied directly to an eye hey wait they HAVE." Anyway.

Recently I started reading Goats, a fairly entertaining webcomic. It's famous because it just so happens to be the longest running webcomic on the truck-o-tubes. Go ahead and compare the new strips to the first one ever, posted on April Fools' Day 1997. Quite a difference. It has color, and story arcs and everything. So instead of reading every single strip (over ten year's worth), I thought to myself "I'll just find some of the newest webcomics online. That way, I won't have too many to read through to determine whether I like it or not, and I'll have indie cred as being one of those guys who are all like 'You know, I was reading it when it was still underground.'" I was also thinking "Jeez, it's like sixteen hours later, why does my eye still burn?" So I started searching, and wouldn't you know it, a gem revealed itself. Daisy Owl is one of the newest webcomics to hit the streets, and it's been pretty much consistently funny since the beginning, all of three months now. Mark my words, this is gonna be big. Enjoy.

P.S.: To those who are keeping up with Heroes: WHAT THE HELL?! I mean, come on. Really, Hiro? Really?

Jumanji

2008-10-13T01:27:00.009+02:00

That's right. Jumanji. Struck by a wave of nostalgic whimsy, I located and watched the 1995 film Jumanji, starring Robin Williams and (I had forgotten this) a twelve-year-old Kirsten Dunst. The movie came out at what I'd like to call the peak of Robin Williams' career. While researching the film for this article, I found that Robin Williams was in Dead Poets Society (#10 in 1989), Hook (#6 in 1991), Aladdin (#1 in 1992), Mrs. Doubtfire (#2 in 1993) and Jumanji (#7 in 1995). In case you don't see what I'm getting at, those are box office numbers. He was the star in at least five top-ten movies in the span of about five years. And in case you don't remember, those films are all awesome. But that's enough about the has-been (prove me wrong, Robin). The film is just as cool as you remember it (given that you've seen it in the past). It has CGI monkeys, enormous mosquitoes, an animatronic lion, man-eating crocodiles, and a scene where a Crown Vic is crushed and dragged away by sentient vines.

The film has everything an adventure movie should; namely, CGI monkeys. Beyond that, all you'll get is my glowing recommendation to get your hands on a copy of this movie ASAP. There's also a monkey-boy and a deranged hunter in a pith helmet with little to no character motivation. Just a big gun. 8/10.

"I don't know why, I just really want to kill this guy. No reason, just irks me is all. Plus, I hated Man Of The Year."

Also, here's a band I normally dislike, Flight Of The Conchords.

Sweeney Todd / Reign In Blood

2008-10-11T01:45:00.004+02:00

In what is becoming kind of my new thing, I've decided to start doing some movie reviews here. Last night, I saw Sweeney Todd for the first time, and I admit, I only watched it to see Sacha Baron Cohen get brutally murdered.

I couldn't decide which I liked better.

Not so smug now, are you, Ali G? After I realized that there was still a bunch of time left in this movie, I was tempted just to call it a day with the murder of Borat, but I'm glad I sat it out. Tim Burton falls back on his stock actors of Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter, and I'm glad he did. I honestly can't see anyone else in these roles. Depp has a surprisingly powerful voice, and though the songs are forgettable by normal film-musical standards, he and Carter have wonderful onscreen chemistry. As a side note, I'd like to tip my stylish hat to the digital colorist for this film. It takes about half and hour to get to the first sprays of blood, but when you do, you quickly realize that everything else in the film is either gray or brown. There is literally no bright color in this movie (excepting flashbacks and Pirelli's dashing frock coat) until people start getting all cut up. Quite a contrast. Not exactly a movie I'd buy, but I'd borrow, rent or steal it, sure. 5/10.

And because there's never enough content in these review pieces, take "the heaviest album of all time," Slayer's 1986 "Reign In Blood". It took about ten minutes to realize that I was listening to different songs (they all kind of blended), and another five to realize I had a huge headache. After I finished the album, my iTunes jumped to Vivaldi's Four Seasons. There's a transition for you.

Deep-Dish Scavenger Hunt

2008-10-07T01:33:00.004+02:00

Hey, guess what I just watched. That's right (or wrong), The Incredibles. That's a pretty good film, and I just realized why. Brad Bird, the writer and director of the film, was the mastermind behind The Iron Giant. That was awesome when I first saw it.

"Goddamn, I'm evil."

In addition, I was fooling around with the concept of an enormous scavenger hunt that would take years to finish and require massive amounts of participants that could group up into teams, when I found out that it's already on. OMG YOU GUYS! The University of Chicago has been doing exactly this since 1987 (That's why I called it deep-dish. 'Cuz it's from Chicago. Delicious deep-dish). Every year, a list of items is compiled; items that boggle the average mind. Number 17 on the list is

Have a beer with:
A former candidate for civic office
A current candidate for city-wide office
A current candidate for state-wide office
A current candidate for national office
A current candidate for POTUS

In case you're wondering, a beer with Obama or McCain will net you 100 points. Other, slightly more mundane items include a zeusaphone (300 points), a prehensile tail on one team member by the end of the competition (17 points), being able to perform one of the following spells at the judging: Wingardium Leviosa, Relashio, Engorgio, and a corporeal Patronus (five points per spell). Then again you'll get a random item every once in a while, like "A slinky that slinks upstairs. And if you play a video of a slinky going downstairs backwards, I will pee on you." That gets you 25 big ones. Or maybe "Have a Nobel Prize winner or “Weird Al” Yankovic witness your organ donor registration." That's fifteen points (sixteen for Weird Al). Check out the full 2008 list here (PDF). Also, number four on the list.

Comic Strip Doctor

2008-10-05T20:28:00.003+02:00

HEY! I missed mentioning my 300th post a little over a week ago. Good for me.

To continue in the fine tradition of talking about newspaper comics, I will now direct you to an old favorite webcomic of mine, Wondermark. With its wordy jokes and old-timey illustrations, it's sure to be a hoot and a half.

But that's not what I'm here to talk about. David Malki, genius extraordinaire behind the comic, also runs a little side project, where he goes by "The Comic Strip Doctor", a man with the ultimate goal of haranguing Jim Davis all to hell. A perfect example is in fact the Garfield article, where he writes about a comic strip legacy that has become so dragged out with cheap jokes and lazy direction that people have edited his strips to make them more surreal and arguably funnier (take for instance, Garfield Minus Garfield, Garfield Minus Speech, and a cool little randomizer that takes three random panels and glues them together). He doesn't only go to work on that fat, unfunny cat, though. He's written articles on Cathy, Dennis the Menace, The Wizard of Id, and other less than comedic dailies from the paper. Enjoy.

Doomsday

2008-10-01T04:05:00.005+02:00

Upon seeing the excremental film Doomsday, I felt it was my civic duty to write up a list of alternates to its official tagline, "The End Is Nigh."

Doomsday: Makes no freaking sense at all.
There are about three gimps in this film, which is three too many.
Tact? You must be confusing me with a competent director.
If we want to show a man being run over by a tank, that's our business.
Vehicles can just explode whenever.
Yeah, she has a removable robotic eyeball. We think it's a cool concept that we decided to use exactly TWICE during the first ten minutes.
The editor called in sick. It was cool though, we got a howler monkey to do it.
If we want to show a rabbit being shot into pieces, that's our business.
Subtlety is for pussies.
Rhona Mitra makes Milla Jovovich look like Meryl Streep.
There's nudity in the first five minutes. Never a good sign.
We're sorry.
If we want to show a decapitated head flying into the camera, that's our business.
Come on down and see Bob Hoskins phone it in.
When you get a disease, just go ahead and lose control. You know, kill a security guard, cut off his hands and head, attempt to assassinate the Prime Minister. That's totally justified.
Why is everyone in the second half of the film wearing medieval armor? You don't know, and neither do we.
Yeah, that's a gladiator battle. Yeah, this is set in the future. What you gonna do about it?
Cell phones can totally get reception, even though it's been fully established that there isn't any power or cell phone towers.
All that awesome stuff in the trailer? That's about it. The rest is talking. That, and people being burned alive and eaten. For real.
If we want to show a man being cooked and eaten by a mob of Mad Max lookalikes, that's our business.

And then comes the cannibalism. Again, totally justified.

Color Changing Card Trick

2008-09-30T15:00:00.000+02:00

Oh ho ho ho. Watch it all the way through.

Monetary Density

2008-09-30T03:55:00.004+02:00

"What," I hear you ask, "is monetary density?" Well, have you ever heard someone say that something is "worth its weight in gold"? As it turns out, a better turn of phrase would be "Worth its weight in LSD". Among some other interesting discoveries, the folks over at Evil Mad Scientist Labs (I'm filling out my application as we speak) have measured the weights of various items and compared it to its cost. For instance (unsurprisingly), dollar bills are the most efficient form of currency, as its weight-to-cost ratio is much higher than say, quarters. A pound of quarters is only about twenty dollars, where a pound of dollar bills is almost four hundred and fifty bucks. On the other hand, a pound of $100 bills is worth almost 50,000 dollars. It's a nice little graph, as bill currencies are divided up in neat little increments.

See? For some other neat comparisons, consider that a pound of human blood is approximately as monetarily valued as a pound of silver. Weird. Up at the far end of the spectrum, marijuana has a similar monetary density as industrial diamonds; anything from the International Space Station is worth at least $10,000; and LSD will net you about fifty-five million dollars a pound. I invite you all to look up how little it costs to manufacture the stuff, then consider the profound economical ramifications of that.

P.S.: Interesting side note: LSD was originally derived from ergot, a mold that grows on grains like rye and such. There is a school of thought that supposes that a certain points in history, bread was made from contaminated wheat, causing hallucinations and wild accusations and drowning of young women and boring plays written by Arthur Miller. And witches. Salem. I'm talking about the Salem Witch Trials. They were all trippin'.

When Falcon Punches Collide

2008-09-26T20:43:00.001+02:00

Last night, I saw Kung Fu Hustle. It is by far the best martial arts movie based on Tom & Jerry I've ever seen. It includes, among other things, a woman screaming loud enough to tear the clothes off of two blind musician/assassins (and later using a megaphone of sorts to demolish an establishment with people inside), a man getting beaten up by an accountant on a public bus, the same man being kicked into outer space, and a scene I have actually wanted to see forever: a man having his face punched through the floor of a building. Repeatedly. Of course, the entire movie is liberally sprinkled with "boing"-esque sound-effects, causing you to wonder if you're watching a Hong Kong martial arts film or just hallucinating from lack of sleep (At one point I actually thought this. I had to get up and walk around a while). I can neither recommend nor condemn this film. It's just too wacky.

Rob Liefeld

2008-09-25T21:40:00.006+02:00

I've long been a fan of comics, mostly because it's like watching a movie, but you're reading. So it's good for you. Or something. And I'm willing to accept that every single panel of every single page may not be stunning art-wise. But after a period of time, I expect a basic level of competence in the way an entirely visual medium looks. I find this kind of important. Which is why it shocks me to discover that Rob Liefeld can still get work. This is the man who drew this:

Now admittedly, that is the one piece that everyone points to to illustrate how bad he is at what he's paid thousands to do, but surely most of his work... Ah, I guess not. Countdown of the forty worst Liefeld drawings can be found here, complete with witty commentary. He's apparently incapable of drawing hands or feet. Enjoy. And as long as you're enjoying that, enjoy this little number I found floating around. It's conclusion pits Captain America against... REPTOID RONALD REAGAN.

You'll have to take my word for it, that's the Gipper.

P.S.: In addition to being made of win and epic (are you HAPPY, internet?), this film will be freaking A-W-E-S-O-M-E.

No Comment

2008-09-25T01:55:00.001+02:00

God, please forgive my species. Forgive us.

Remember Animorphs?

2008-09-23T03:10:00.003+02:00

So, I... uh, I finally got around to listening to The Beachles. Wow. That was easily the worst sound to ever make it into my earholes. I apologize.

I'm getting sick and tired of people trying to make "comedy" by appealing to things I loved when I was ten years old. Don't get me wrong, I love Captain Planet reruns as much as the next guy, but there's a difference between simply alluding to The Magic School Bus ("Seatbelts, everyone!" Ahhh, that was fun) and making a pointed comment on the relative values of Dinosaurs versus, say, Doug. I just hate it when people are like "Beetlejuice" and you start laughing just because you remember it. At least comment on the fact that the haunting theme song was composed by Danny Elfman, who also did the childhood-regressing bit of LSD-fueled mayhem that was Pee-Wee's Big Adventure. At least have something to say. Otherwise, it's just sad. Hey, remember the Bailey School Kids?

That robot cat in the Rugrats intro terrified me both as a youth and today.

Cap'n Wacky's Lists (feat. Franz Liszt)

2008-09-23T01:50:00.004+02:00

As you may be aware, I like lists. They're a nice respite from the manner in which I usually consume my facts, namely books. Nothing wrong with books in and of itself, but sometimes I wish they would just hurry up and get to the point already. Anyway, today I bring new lists, courtesy of Cap'n Wacky. It's apparently a website or something. Here we go!

Grievances I Have With Lamp Dealers*
Guiness World Records No One Wants To Break
Jokes That Would Be Offensively Racist If Cupcakes Were A Minority Group In Addition To Being A Delicious Baked Good
Losing Candidates' Campaign Slogans*
Monsters, What Are YOU Scared Of?
Passages You Don't Want To Read In The Review Of Your Band's Latest Gig*
Pirates' Pet Peeves
Phrases That Sound Like Clichés Even Though Probably No One Has ever Said Them Before
Rejected Prom Themes*
Song Titles In Batman: The Musical
Things That Were Written On A Page From The Notebook Of The Guy Who Came Up With The Aphorism "I Wept That I Had No Shoes Until I Met A Man Who Had No Feet"
Things To Do In The Last Moments Of Your Life After You've Realized Your Parachute Just Didn't Open*
Titles Of Harry Potter Fanfic We'd Rather Not Read*
What's Your Ringtone And Why?

That is all.

P.S.: Anyone notice the resemblance between a young Carlos Santana and Richard Pryor?

I'm pretty perceptive that way.

FreakAngels

2008-09-20T13:50:00.006+02:00

It's not too rare that one can find legitimately free stuff online. It's easy to find free music for free from legal sources nowadays, and even television shows are just lying around for people to watch (especially older stuff. I've been watching Twin Peaks. WEEEEEIRD). With the growing amount of Gutenberg Project contributors, it's getting easier to find open source books or ones with expired copyrights. But for most of us nerds, the ultimate blend of literature and art remains the elusively expensive exception to the rule. There are, of course, webcomics, but look at them.

(I love you, XKCD)

But what about people who are looking for a smart, well illustrated comic-book quality graphic novel on the blogotubes? Well, I guess you could read Lackadaisy. But what if you wanted a name behind your comic? Like, say, the name of a man who wrote the superlative Transmetropolitan or the pretty good Preacher? Then look no further than FreakAngels, about twelve psychic post-adolescents growing up after the Apocalypse. It's got sex, violence and mayhem. Not to mention it's dangerously steampunk.

That's a steam-powered helicopter. She built it herself. Check it out here.

EDIT: JEEZ! Warren Ellis didn't write Preacher. That was Garth Ennis. Wow. I'm glad no one caught that but me. Ellis did write Hellblazer however, the comic that spawned the film Constantine.

Gogol Bordello x 3

2008-09-18T01:30:00.002+02:00

Do you like Gogol Bordello? If not, why? Discuss. For those of you who do, try on another three albums for size. Count 'em. THREE. First is Gypsy Punks: Underdog World Strike, a rather hefty title for an album. Then we have Multi Kontra Culti, a title that probably means something in some language. But best of all is the album Super Taranta!, an album wholly indistinguishable from any others with the notable exception of the fact that their best song is on it. Listen to Wonderlust King just once and I'll pay you if it isn't stuck in your head forever.*

*Offer void everywhere.

Pandora

2008-09-15T23:52:00.002+02:00

I'm sorry if this is news to you, but it's pretty new to me, and it's getting pretty big wherever it is I am. It's Pandora, a free online radio that matches your favorite artists to others like them before playing some selected tracks. It apparently derives its algorithm from the Music Genome Project. This is really cool. The Music Genome Project was started in 2000 as an attempt to "capture the essence of music", a daunting task. Where Last.FM and other inferior websites depend on hipster-powered methodology to determine song likeness, Pandora is rooted deeply in MATH. To do what it does, each song is divided into over one hundred elements, called genes, and various songs are matched up to find similar artists and genres. Your average rock song has about 150 genes, the average rap song has over 300, and jazz has over 400. These genes can be something as simple as the gender of the lead singer to something as complex as types of lyrics (Erotic Lyrics, Abstract Lyrics, Heartbreaking Lyrics, and my favorite: Lyrics about Partying). Of course, a computer can't tell the difference between "Fight For Your Right", arguably the greatest Partying-based song ever written, and Celine Dion's decidedly non-Partying related "I Will Always Love You". You'd be right. Which is why a team of musicians analyzes each song that's been through the filter, a process that takes about twenty minutes per song. I guess they've been doing this for the past decade (almost!) and that's why there's so many songs. But I guess here's my question. Are they getting paid for this? We, as the end-users, should be paying for such a service; one that provides uncannily matched music with songs we know that we like. Plus, where's all the red tape that would be required to play music by artists without their say-so? I know for a fact that some of the artists I'm listening to as I'm writing this are not just gonna sign off on their art for nothing. It's a madhouse, a MADHOUSE! Regardless, I'm willing to listen to this stuff for as long as I can.

Oh, and if you're ever down, or feeling a little blue, just YouTube Christian the Lion. Never fails.

Brackenwood

2008-09-13T01:32:00.004+02:00

I've spent a lot of time on the internet, and I would say that, oh, twenty, maybe thirty percent of that time has been waiting for things to load. The remaining seventy percent is split equally between reading Cracked articles, watching or listening to things that I should have paid for, telling myself to get up and go outside, writing things on here and watching Flash movies. In all that time, I've seen maybe ten Flash animations that are good enough to bookmark and watch over again. The twist is, most of them are made by the same guy. Adam Philips is a guy who is apparently too good to have an "About" page on his website, but if I may recall some information I could have possibly made up, he used to be a Disney animator and storyboard guy. This led him to the fast-paced and glamorous world of internet stardom, where he started with some awesome animation that I now look back on with disgust. Really. Compared to his newer stuff, It leaves a bad taste in my mouth. But honestly, what other Flash animator got the whistle-player from The Pogues to do a soundtrack for their movie? Honestly though, watch Waterlollies. It's easily the best animation I've ever seen (outside of things that cost money). At least watch the first running scene. If you need more proof than that:

See that? Those are prismatic water droplets. It's pretty good for a medium that usually brings you this.

Ooh, they're sticks.

EDIT: He DOES have an about page! He did work for Disney in the late 1990s, and has actually won a couple of awards for his work. Waterlollies was best movie of 2007 on Newgrounds. So, there's that. He's also apparently in talks for a Brackenwood feature-length film. I'd pay to see that. Thanks, Adam!

Kokiriko Bushi

2008-09-09T23:36:00.006+02:00

Word up to Piers. You've clearly mastered this... INTERNET.

Also: guess who grew up?

Awww, it's cute little Dakota Fanning, who'll never grow up and will always be- SHABOOM!

And so time marches inexorably onward, terrifying us all with the knowledge that one day we will be dead and forgotten. Happy Adam Sandler's Birthday, everyone!

The Death Of The Beatles

2008-09-09T18:56:00.002+02:00

Remember Beatallica? Here I've found other wacky Beatle derivatives. My personal favorite is The Beastles, a wicked cool album by "dj BC" blending the best of The Beatles with the best of The Beastie Boys (who I now kinda like). This is easily my favorite album, with my favorite track being "Mother Nature's Rump". Next we have "Sgt. Petsound's Lonely Hearts Club Band" by The Beachles (That's the Beach Boys, for the musically disenfranchised). Yep. Haven't heard it yet, but I'm sure it's lovely. And last, certainly least, we find "The Grey Album", a Jay-Z "Black Album" mashup with the harmonically superior "White Album". Enjoy.

Stuff I Know

2008-09-09T18:40:00.003+02:00

Here's some stuff I know.

Niccolò Paganini was an Italian violin virtuoso, famous for being so good that people supposed that he had sold his soul for his talent. The reason for this was his flamboyant stunts. My personal favorite involves learning a popular, complex song on only three strings instead of all four. Then before the concert he would saw partly through the fourth string so it would break halfway through the piece. Undeterred, he would simply complete the piece on the three remaining strings, presumably causing people to go "WHAAAAA?!"

In the past, the small country of Bhutan has been one of the few examples of a functioning aristocracy, based on the central tenets of Buddhism. Unfortunately, the country's youth has been influenced by the creeping specter of MTV and other such side-effects of globalization. The king, realizing that his time had come to an end, decided to implement democracy (instead of flipping out and becoming a dictator. Good move, sir). Interestingly enough, the first election saw the king in power again. While not originally considered for the position, almost everyone voted for him, not wanting anything to change. Only the future will see what's going to happen to that place.

A psychology experiment done in the 1980s revealed that when someone threatens to commit suicide by jumping from a great height, the crowd that inevitably groups below is likely to discourage the jumper. However, as it gets darker or as the crowd gets bigger, the mainstream view tends to drift into the opposite direction, the direction of "JUMP! JUMP! JUMP!" This phenomenon is known as deindividuation, where the individual loses his sense of self, becoming one with the crowd. Why a hivemind is so favorable of suicide is a mystery for the ages.

And that's some stuff I know.

Chapman Stick

2008-09-08T01:17:00.003+02:00

Does anyone remember that post I did back in March? It had a wicked awesome music video in it. Let's just watch that again.

Again, that was Tally Hall, and you can get the track "Good Day" here.

Anyway, I found a new instrument to share with you all; namely, the Chapman Stick. It was an exclusively electric instrument up until recently, when some bright spark invented the AcouStick, something that make me want to buy one even more. The appeal of the instrument lies in its versatility. It is held upright and played by tapping the strings piano-style, but given that it sounds like you're actually playing a guitar and a bass simultaneously, it is most certainly a string instrument. But the beauty of the Chapman Stick lies in its rich sound. Here's a Hendrix classic.

And here's a hopefully recognizable tune.

Also, the world's worst flag belongs to, beyond a shadow of a doubt, the Northern Mariana Islands. Click to enlarge.

Best Of Craigslist

2008-09-05T00:38:00.005+02:00

I'd long heard of this magical place where people just hopefully... ask for stuff (and sexual favors) and then reap the online benefits; but I had never actually been to Craigslist. What a waste. All this time I could have been laughing it up hardstyle. Because there's apparently such a thing as "The Best Of Craigslist". And it's worth it. Here are a few of my favorites.

Guitarist of megalomaniacal speed seeks audience who won't combust
HENCHMEN NEEDED
Here's to you, Fat Sauna Gawker* (my favorite)
It's me! Every girl ever.*
my coke for your pot
Thanks, Mr. Hipster Record Store Clerk*
The local ten o'clock news
To All Of The Cute Girls Who End Up F*****g My Roommates
To the person who put a Rick James album on my windshield...*
To The Stoner Who Works At Cottage Inn Pizza* (my second favorite)
Why we should hang out: a mathematical proof (bonus points for the XKCD)
You were being shoved into a Dallas Police car.*
You wouldn't get this from any other guy

The starred ones are choice. And while this one stinks of bad spam mail (the kind that ends in "LIVE THE LIFE YOU LOVE, LOVE THE LIFE YOU LIVE" or some equally insipid garbage written by middle-aged ladies (no doubt surrounded by cats)) , I want it to be true. Maybe if we all close our eyes and just hope really hard, it'll come true.

P.S.: Upon spellchecking, I saw that I wrote the phrase "hardstyle" instead of "hardcore". I propose we ditch the now-outdated term in favor of this new, immensely funnier version.

Colorblind Web Page Filter

2008-09-03T19:40:00.003+02:00

This morning I inadvertently invented the single greatest game ever. While in a singularly early class, one in which I found myself nodding off, I noticed that multiple students besides myself were yawning. By simulating a yawn just loud enough to get someone's attention, I could cause them to yawn through the well-documented phenomenon of yawn contagion. I could then track the "yawn progression" throughout the entire classroom. My high score for the morning was seven (Bonus points for getting the professor). Beat that.

I've long said I've wanted the neurological "disorder" (for lack of a better word) synesthesia, a phenomenon characterized by the inextricable linking of two senses in an involuntary manner. For instance, a person might look at a certain letter and see it as having a certain color, or in more rare cases, a discrete personality. True.

"T’s are generally crabbed, ungenerous creatures. U is a soulless sort of thing. 4 is honest, but... 3 I cannot trust... 9 is dark, a gentleman, tall and graceful, but politic under his suavity."

WOW. However, until we can upload our mental experiences to some computer and have others experience them vicariously (get to work NASA) or until they legalize LSD my hopes are nothing more than the fevered dreams of a madman. Oh well. At least I can still synthesize colorblindness.

Lackadaisy Cats

2008-09-03T00:09:00.004+02:00

Alright, I finally have time to write something. Good for me. Today I bring you a new webcomic! And it's not just any webcomic, kiddies. This is nothing short of freaking art. And I don't say that a lot. Welcome to the world of the Lackadaisy Cats, a group of swinging felines anthropomorphically and anachronistically thrown into 1920's St. Louis. I haven't read much, but so far it seems like a really well written gangster story, except with cats. The very fact that well-written (novel-quality) storylines are available for free on this fortress of pornography and low-quality bootleg movies we call the internet is not too surprising, nor is the fact that art of this quality is being given away for free. What is surprising is that both can come together so harmoniously; and from one woman, too. Tracy Butler is nothing short of a artistic wunderkind. Observe:

Just go there. It's amazing. And also, check out the cat in the middle. MEOW.

YES.

2008-09-01T19:29:00.001+02:00

I'll give you twenty bucks if you can explain this to my satisfaction.

Humans

2008-09-01T02:01:00.001+02:00

One of these days, I'll write something besides a witty commentary on a YouTube vid.

Kiwi!

2008-08-30T19:06:00.001+02:00

AWWWWW.

Myotonic Goats

2008-08-29T01:16:00.002+02:00

I gotta say, my cousins spew a whole lot of inanity, but I'll never doubt them when it comes to goats. When they tell me that there's a rare genetic trait that manifests in some goats as a possum-like defense mechanism where the goats legs lock up in a hilarious attempt to escape some predator; when they tell me that they just fall over flat by the dozen in a manner that causes some to call them Tennessee Scare Goats, I will never doubt them again.

Science Will End Us All

2008-08-28T20:00:00.005+02:00

I've always thought that it would be great to start a pyramid scheme, with a twist. Instead of an unsustainable good or service, the payoff would be a series of books on how to start and upkeep your own pyramid scheme. I honest-to-God dreamed about it when I realized that no one was capitalizing on the folks who run these things. And this way, the only people whose money you're stealing are morons (that's Social Darwinism for ya) or would-be crooks. I'm totally serious. Don't take this idea from me, it's one of the good ones.

Hey, it turns out nanotechnology may be possible as soon as 2010; 2030 at the latest. This could very well come from the innovation of fabricators, which will construct human-scale products for use within months of their debut. This is because nanotechnology, like "artificial intelligence" (I'm skeptical), will grow exponentially. Of course, since everything will be engineered at the smallest possible scale, it has been theorized that an engine strong enough to power a car could be fit into a cubic centimeter, and a supercomputer could be fit into less than a cubic millimeter. Because everything would be aligned near-perfectly on a small scale (like a diamond is naturally arranged), products will increase in structural integrity, with certain materials becoming up to 100 times stronger than steel per pound. Another possible outcome of this seemingly too-good-to-be-true science is that the cost of everything will go down. It also means more union-made products to buy, and less dependence on overseas (unregulated) labor. You know what else? This whole thing means means we're all within a few decades of a gray goo scenario. There's really only one rational response to this.

P.S.: If you go to "The Scream" Wikipedia page, there's a photo of the thieves. A photo of them mid-heist. For real.

All info thanks to the Center for Responsible Nanotechnology.

Pipe Dream

2008-08-28T19:31:00.002+02:00

You know what always seemed like an oxymoron? "Hydration salts". Hmmm.

Sand Art

2008-08-27T00:34:00.003+02:00

The other day I heard one weird song; "A Nervous Tic Motion Of The Head To The Left" by one Andrew Bird. Take a listen. Weird, right? Anyway, check out these sand-based art pieces:

I think that last one is best summed up by username "JaBaBz13", when he says "its beutiful and i am filled with unexplanable emotions when i watch diz." Also, these three, which were ads for Animal Planet. The way he "morphs" each animal is pretty impressive.

And you know who I think would be a cool guy in real life? Mark Ruffalo.

If for no other reason than his name sounds like "Buffalo".

Last Request

2008-08-25T23:54:00.004+02:00

I saw this a few years ago while doing research for an anti-capital punishment debate (I lost). Regardless, it's extremely well-done; with tears, the occasional dark chuckle, confusion and outrage. It can be found in its home at The Private Hand website. And sorry about the glitching at the beginning. It's harder than it should be to convert a SWF file to a watchable format.

Also, the last country to outlaw the death penalty was Uzbekistan. We're behind Uzbekistan? C'mon, USA.

P.S.: If you've forgotten (or missed) my post about mailing me stuff you find, you can find the "houseofoddio(at)gmail.com" address in the "Mail Me At:" column to the right over there.

Herpex

2008-08-25T22:57:00.002+02:00

Ask your doctor if Herpex is right for you.

No More MCR? Alright Then.

2008-08-24T02:38:00.001+02:00

FINALLY! Russia knows what's going on.

Japan Is So Much Better

2008-08-23T19:03:00.001+02:00

I can't decide what's better: *wikki wikki wikki* "Wrong" or "INSOLENCE!"